can I borrow that pen?

This whole "give God the pen to my life" thing... yeah, harder than I thought it would be.
I've always had this mentality that my life would turn out alright. That somehow, even if I am not sure what I want, I would still get where I needed to be. But my life is being pulled in so many different directions, and I'm not sure which one is right for me yet.
I've found myself saying "if I could" a lot when I'm writing lately. "If I could just sit down and tell him what I'm thinking;" "If I could just figure out what this means." What do I really need to know so badly? Because these little moments are me taking the pen away from God; not trusting that He has this all figured out.
Even if I don't mean to, I find myself second guessing what God has been telling me. I pray to Him as though it's a one-sided conversation. I say "God, aren't you listening!? I don't know what to do! Won't you tell me?" And then I sit and figure it out on my own. I play through possibilities and outcomes from my own reasoning. I pray to God for answers, but I never give Him the chance to talk.
So, once again, here's the pen. I'm all ears on this one. I understand now that praying isn't always just for when I want to talk when it's convenient for me. Next time I pray, I won't say a word....

"the time has come, it's closing in. the water's rising; sink or swim"

It's a crucial point on my road for success. These are the years when I could go anywhere. I could do anything I wanted. No one has set limits for me. But to be honest, that's just a load of lies. Because if I really could do anything I wanted, I don't think this would be it. At all. I wouldn't pressure myself into these years of stress and wondering if each little moment of studying for my future will be enough to actually get me there.

So why am I here? We always say "our road to success," but when we hit a speed bump or we have to wait to get what we want, we are afraid it's deterring from our dreams. If we would stop to realize that "the road to success" is an actual road, not just the destination, maybe we would save ourselves heart-ache and stress.

Because, whether I realize it or not, this is a piece of the road. A piece of this crazy puzzle that we still haven't put together. And, no matter how hard we try to figure out the end, we are still missing what we need to see the whole picture. We don't understand that. We constantly think, "it's cool. I know exactly how my life is going to turn out. I've got all my dreams figured out." But in all reality, we maybe have one or two pieces of this crazy puzzle. We have no clue about the whole picture.

So for now, I'm not missing any chances. I'm going to live as though every second is a piece of that puzzle. Because I don't know about you, but I want to see that whole picture...

"but I never told you what I should have said..."

I had moved on. I was far from forgetting it, but I had moved on. I had left it as the past and took another step towards what I was facing right now. So why, after all this time and all this effort to forget, am I suddenly attached again?
I shouldn't be missing you. I shouldn't be thinking about you. I should be able to move on now that I don't have to ever see your face again. But somehow, that thought that I won't see your face for years makes me want to see you more. It makes me want to talk to you...and I can't.
It makes me regret ever ignoring all your attempts to say goodbye one last time. It makes me regret ever telling you I could care less if I ever saw you again. It's not like I won't. It's not like you're gone forever. But you might as well be. You're gone so far I can't just sit and talk to you, which is what I wanted. But somehow, no matter how much I was over you and wanted you gone, I regret not telling you that I forgive you and that I will miss you.
So, years from now, if your offer is still good, I want to meet up with you and say all the things I should have said before...