mirror, mirror on the wall...

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the prettiest one of all?
I've always wondered if the mirror sees what we see in its reflection. Maybe, even in a mirror, beauty is more than just skin deep.
Sometimes you don't realize you wear on big mask until you are told to shed it.
"One day without makeup, hair products, and nice clothes, in honor of rape victims." Even with such a great cause attached to it, I couldn't do it. I wore my makeup lightly, my hair was flat ironed, but didn't look special, and I wore my favorite jeans with a plain top in my sense of the word. I still wanted to give a polished first impression.
The message from this event: women can be beautiful in many different ways. I wish they had included in that description how many of those ways truly came from the inside.
In the mirror, I could only see some light mascara, a little blush, plain looking hair and clothing, but I still stressed over it. In the end, I still put on a mask.
Changing the shape of a mask, the color of a mask, how much glitter or ribbon you add to a mask, doesn't change the fact that it's still a mask.
Does the mirror see what's hidden underneath my mask? Does the world see? Would I be beautiful?

I wish my life could be the way it was before I saw your face...undo it...

Gambling: you walk away worse than you started. After all, the house always wins.
So, who has the winning hand when you're gambling with love? Is risking all of your chips worth walking away with what you will get in the end?
I have been debating weather taking a chance is worth losing what I already have. Do I take the safe route and leave when I'm breaking even, or do I throw all of my chips on the table and pray that the risk was worth it? Would I be happy with what I walked in with, or would I be happier with nothing at all?
I've risked a lot just trying to find love. Finally, I rolled enough 7's to find a place where was comfortable. But, is being comfortable what I even entered the game for? Is being comfortable the same as taking no risks?
I have risked so much for just one roll of the dice in my love life. I have bet it all on this one guy for years, not allowing myself to walk away from the table until I win this one hand.
Sometimes, I feel like I will never break even. Sometimes, I wish I had never entered this game to begin with. Nothing I will walk away with will be worth all the dice I have rolled. Then again, the game isn't over yet.

the safety zone...

At what point does safe=boring in a relationship?
I'm getting won over by one guy's charm while loving another's resume. Is it bad to be attracted to something safe? What will I be left with when the charming one finds someone else to win over? Will I be left with something boring, something safe, or something I'm not happy with?

there's nothing more dangerous that a boy with charm...

Bite my lip, bat my eyes, and get weak in the knees- this boy has got me so caught up!
I don't know what it is. For each time I talk myself out of feeling anything for him, he gives me another little reason to like him again. A lot of boys can catch my attention, but very few can make me smile and blush just thinking about them.
I'm a sucker for boys with charm, like every other girl in America. That guy who is mysterious, yet approachable melts my heart every time. There is nothing sexier than a guy who continues to surprise you.
I think it's that element of surprise that keeps me so caught up in him. Just when I peg him as being serious, he makes me laugh, and just when I think he's just a funny guy, he shows me a whole other side to him. The fact that chivalry isn't dead with him is an added bonus ;)
So far, I'm alright with being charmed if things stay like this.

untouchable like a distant diamond sky...

It's a wonderful thing to find love, but the most heart-wrenching thing is to find that love hasn't found you.
It's a commitment that can tear you apart- finding someone you love who doesn't think of you in the same way. No matter what you do, you can't help but find flaws in yourself that maybe somehow add up to a failed relationship. You question the sound of your laugh, every fleck of color in your eyes; maybe they see something you don't. Maybe they see just how messed up you are. So you look in the mirror and you look at your thoughts and conversations and any little thing that makes you less than perfect.
I wouldn't know how to answer the question "have you ever been in love" if someone asked me that right now. Part of me says I have found love, but being in love is more than just finding love. Being in love is love finding you.
It's a horrible feeling, being in love with someone who may never love you back. Yet, even through the day-to-day pain, a part of you still believes it will work out. You sit, you wait, you wish, you pray. In the back of your mind, you still think "maybe today," no matter how many times "today" hasn't been the day. It's that little thought you have when you wake up in the morning that tells you to wear your favorite dress or your best shoes, just in case today is the day he notices. Just in case he ever notices.
Every now and then, you catch yourself pouring your heart out to the brightest star in the sky, wondering if maybe that will do the trick and love will find you after all. You just want for one day to feel like you're not left to just hoping love will happen for you. For one day, you want to be able to say you're in love.
It's that wish on a shooting star or your birthday candles that you chant day after day, year after year, until it haunts you- "I wish that I can find true love." Sometimes, I think my wish has come true over and over again, and that I've forgotten what I have really wished for. Maybe I have found love, but love hasn't found me back.

forget the year of the rabbit- this is the year of the bitch!!!

I said 2011 was going to be the year I become a bitch, and as of right now, I'm really holding up to that.
I have continued to go out of my way being nice to people and doing what it takes to please them, and I' sick of it. I'm sick of being walked all over. I'm sick of people not asking me how I feel. I'm sick of people having to apologize for being rude, even when I'm not the one who brings it up, because they didn't take in to consideration that I am here and I have an opinion. I am sick and tired of all of this.
So, I decide to let out some of my concerns in as tactful of a way as possible to these people. I wrote a letter to a few of them, expressing my concerns and drawing up solutions to these problems. I did nothing but talk about how I really enjoy these people, but I was tired of my opinions and beliefs never being put into play. What do I get back? People mad at me, people turning things back on me, saying I need to get a backbone and that's why they do all these things, and in the end, no solution to a single problem. In the end they still wonder why I don't stick up for myself. If this is how I'm going to be treated when I express my opinions, it gives me a solid reason to never express them.
So screw being tactful. Screw being pleasing. This is the year of the bitch, and if you want to get defensive, go ahead, but I refuse to let anyone else walk all over me again...

Blurring The Lines

Sometimes you have to question if things mean as much to you as you think they do. It's so easy to walk away from things, but it's hard to walk away from yourself.
Even the smallest of your priorities make up who you are in some way. What you make important in your life and what you are willing to walk away from, even for just one day, create this whole image of who you are as a person.
If you think first impressions are purely physical, you are wrong. What people think of you goes beyond what clothes you have, what car you drive, and what house you live in. To give a good first impression, you must look at yourself on a deeper level. Beauty is only skin deep; a bad attitude rots to your core.
If you are willing to walk away from something important to you, it was never important to you to begin with. People may judge a book by it's cover, but others can read you like a book. Beauty that is inside and out is prettier than anything from Guicci.

change

Would you cut your hair for what you want? Change you shoes? Change your makeup? Change the way you walk and talk? Change the way you smile? Change how much you weigh, how tan your skin is, or who you are friends with? How far would you go for what you want?

I know I want this badly, but it's not happening for the person I am right now. Now I have to decide if it is worth some changes...