It's a wonderful thing to find love, but the most heart-wrenching thing is to find that love hasn't found you.
It's a commitment that can tear you apart- finding someone you love who doesn't think of you in the same way. No matter what you do, you can't help but find flaws in yourself that maybe somehow add up to a failed relationship. You question the sound of your laugh, every fleck of color in your eyes; maybe they see something you don't. Maybe they see just how messed up you are. So you look in the mirror and you look at your thoughts and conversations and any little thing that makes you less than perfect.
I wouldn't know how to answer the question "have you ever been in love" if someone asked me that right now. Part of me says I have found love, but being in love is more than just finding love. Being in love is love finding you.
It's a horrible feeling, being in love with someone who may never love you back. Yet, even through the day-to-day pain, a part of you still believes it will work out. You sit, you wait, you wish, you pray. In the back of your mind, you still think "maybe today," no matter how many times "today" hasn't been the day. It's that little thought you have when you wake up in the morning that tells you to wear your favorite dress or your best shoes, just in case today is the day he notices. Just in case he ever notices.
Every now and then, you catch yourself pouring your heart out to the brightest star in the sky, wondering if maybe that will do the trick and love will find you after all. You just want for one day to feel like you're not left to just hoping love will happen for you. For one day, you want to be able to say you're in love.
It's that wish on a shooting star or your birthday candles that you chant day after day, year after year, until it haunts you- "I wish that I can find true love." Sometimes, I think my wish has come true over and over again, and that I've forgotten what I have really wished for. Maybe I have found love, but love hasn't found me back.
