things will change. I can see it now. these walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down...

I couldn't figure out why the crazy situations I was put in were impossible to get out of. Falling for the wrong guy, falling for the right guy who just can't let himself fall for you, the list goes on and on. It began to seem like all the situations in my life ran in circles; as soon as it was solved, it was an issue again.
There were walls built up around them. I tried and tried to break down the walls. I tried to do all the right things. What I learned is that sometimes when you're trying to break down walls, you have to make sure you're going for the right bricks... I became habitual in nature. If I ran in to a problem, I would try to solve it in one particular way. Sometimes, you have to realize that you need to address the situation you want to be in, not the one you already are. If you dance in circles around the same issue, you are never going to move on. It's like that brick in the wall you just can't seem to break through. Sometimes it's the bricks all around it causing the problems.
More importantly, sometimes it's yourself. I wonder if those times when I thought I need to tear down their wall, I was really building one of my own. I saw them as being guarded, and in turn I began to guard myself. For every brick I tore down of theirs, I added one to my wall. It seemed as if I wanted things to fail. I was attacking the wrong bricks...

Toi et moi- Ça ne changera pas

I wish I could explain why everything suddenly came down to this. "Toi et moi- Ca ne changera pas;" you and me- it doesn't change. I can't let it go sometimes. After years apart, it continues to come back to the same things. I don't understand it.
One last chance. One last chance to make it right. One last attempt at everything we've ever wanted. I can't blow it this time. We can't blow it this time.

cry me a river, because I cried a river over you....

Toxic relationships. Or, as I like to call them, relation-shits. Everyone has one. There is that one friend who acts like the devil sitting on your shoulder, telling you everything you don't need to hear. Those moments of glory in your life soon become over-analyzed downfalls in your day.
There are times when the sweetest words can be the deadliest, a key sign to a toxic person in your life. When you can no longer take what someone has to say at face value, it is time for a change. The more I'm realizing this, the less non-friends I have in my phone book, but the happier I'm becoming.
I've begun to cut out those toxic relationships from my life one by one. Sure, I feel very guilty about dumping a friend, but the feeling of grief has surpassed quicker than I have expected each time. As much as my heart breaks for a lost friend, it also rejoices over a healthy decision for my life.
I'm not saying to cut everyone who gives you a dose of reality. If that were true, all my friends would be cutting their ties with me. It is those that find joy in taking away your happiness that I am referring to. When you win and award and someone tells you it's not that great of an accomplishment. Or you are excited about someone and they give you reasons not to be. The difference between a dose of reality and a dose of cynicism is defined by this very person's presence. That is a toxic relationship. That's what I'm cutting from my life.

someday soon...

I'm flat out intrigued by this situation. Something similar has happened before, but I usually brush it off. This time, it has been running through my mind almost all day.
Everything has apparently been planned. Because it seems like my whole church has been conspiring in secrecy. A boy who goes to my church and I are apparently destined to get married, as told to me by every member in my church. In fact, one woman offered me a job in christian education just so we would work together. All the older women find it "hopelessly romantic" to set us up at church and watch us "fall in love."
The weird thing is, I agree. For once, I'm not apposed to this strange situation. I don't mind being set up. Every one talks as if they are positive we will get married, and it's not awkward this time...
That's all I have to say on this subject right now. I'm actually at a loss for words as I run this situation through my mind...

if love is an ocean wide, why do we swim in the tears we cry?

How much of an impact have I made in the world? Is it enough for someone to notice if I don't show up to class tomorrow? Is it enough that someone I haven't talked to in years would miss me? Is it enough for someone to call my phone checking to see if I'm ok?
I would hope the answer to these questions would be yes, but what about those few no's in my life? What about those few people I have wronged over the years? Or those few people who left my life on a bad note? No matter how it ended, would they think of the impact I made in their life, and miss me anyway?
What about those people who walk by me every day or sit by me in class that I've paid no attention to? Would I even notice if they were gone? What kind of impact have I had on their lives if I never even say "hello?" When they think about if I would notice if they were gone, do they just assume the answer is no?
There are so many people I know who don't know the impact they've had in my life. There have been times when I've only had one friend, but they've stuck by my side. There have been people who stop to pick up something I've dropped on that one day when I felt like no one cared. And I remember it... I remember those smiles when someone passes by. Those times when someone greets you with a "good morning" when they pass, letting you know they know you're there. And I think "I wonder if they know they took away that loneliness" or "I wonder if they know that I appreciate their acknowledgment" or even "I've had a shitty day, and that really let me know someone cares."
I think everyone has made an impact in someones' life, even if they don't realize it. I don't know if the person who sits behind me in class would notice if I'm not there, but I would sure hope they would. Regardless, I will let them know I would notice them...

I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo... I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul...

It's not a trick question. It has never been a trick question. If you had to answer "do you love yourself," would you say yes or no?
We all want to believe we love ourselves. It is easy to say "I love my hair" or "I love my singing voice." ,but you never answer the question. Do you love yourself?
I know, it is confusing. "Music is a part of me. My hair is a part of me." But they're all just parts. Do you love the whole picture?
I know for me, the answer has been no more than it has been yes. Because when I look in the mirror, I see tons of freckles and fat. I see someone who is short, with occasional fly-aways throughout her hair, and curves that are only appropriate for the movie "precious."
I see someone who has never fallen in love or even had anyone to fall in love with. I see someone who has never been liked romantically, and then I begin to look at myself and count all the reasons why. I see someone who judges herself and assumes everyone is judging those same things. I see someone setting themselves up for failure.
Lately, I've been pouring my heart out on paper for God knows who... and I can't even bring myself to show it to anyone. I don't even know who I'm writing for, but I assume they will judge it all the same... So I tear up these sheets filled with my innermost thoughts and secrets, afraid that if anyone would see them it would add another thing to the list of things people will judge me for. In all reality, I'm tearing up myself and throwing it in that basket.
Everything I've ever said, been, thought, felt, been close to, hated, adored, cherished, cried over, everything is me. And all those little times I've torn something up in the mirror, or on paper, I've torn it up inside and thrown it away.
Do you love yourself? For me, maybe not just yet. But I'm on my way...


"But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.. I don't care if it hurts. I want to have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul..."

no more hiding who I'm supposed to be...this is me

Have you ever just stood in front of a mirror, looked yourself dead in the eyes, and told yourself you were starting over with everything?
I had been a person that I didn't feel comfortable with. It wasn't that I was making bad choices. To be honest, I've made really good choices throughout my life. I just haven't been me. I don't like what I have been looking at in the mirror lately.
I've been looking at someone who is very prim and proper, with perfect grammar and etiquette, who is really fake. I never wear t-shirts unless I'm sick, I always have on nice outfits, and my hair in makeup both need to be how I want it, or I won't leave the house. But that's not who I really am.
Sometimes, I feel that the only way I can get the confidence I want is to wear the nice clothes and look nice. I'm not the prettiest girl in the world, but having on an outfit that will get me complimented helps me ignore that for a while. I am overly nice to everyone to make sure I have people on my side, not making fun of me behind my back. Every part of me is the way it is because I am terrified of what people will say about me if I'm not "perfect."
But, I don't think that's what God wants from me. He made me the way He did for a reason. I still have so much to learn about myself to make that adjustment, but I think God has a greater plan for me than fitting in to what society wants...

when is forever going to stop being defined by you?

I've always heard to listen to your gut instinct, but I'm starting to think mine has no common sense. However, it has a really good sense of humor...
Can my life stop being filled with strange twists or weird coincidences for one day? Just one? I'm not really asking for much! Just a simple "oh, hey! you have a normal life!" feeling.
Last night I was sitting with a bunch of friends talking about where I saw myself after graduation. I was talking about how I saw myself teaching and married. I was even talking about how there was someone who has been in my life for a while that I could really see myself marrying because he's THAT perfect for me. Then, I went to bed...
Usually I ignore the content of my dreams as weird and nothing more. I mean, how am I supposed to take a nightmare about Cruella De'Ville seriously? My dream last night broke that mindset, though.
Have you ever had a dream where you were in love with someone you knew and it was so eerily realistic you could feel butterflies in your stomach while dreaming? When you woke up, you blushed out of that little girl giddiness we all experience at some point? That happened to me, but with someone I swore I would never think about again.
I dreamed that suddenly when I walked in my house, he was there. He was looking at me like he always used to and I instantly hugged him, ignoring our past, and had those same butterflies in my stomach I had always had.
Throughout the day, no matter how hard I tried to get those stupid little butterflies to stop messing with me, I could still feel them in my stomach. So what's right, my mind or my gut instinct?

can I borrow that pen?

This whole "give God the pen to my life" thing... yeah, harder than I thought it would be.
I've always had this mentality that my life would turn out alright. That somehow, even if I am not sure what I want, I would still get where I needed to be. But my life is being pulled in so many different directions, and I'm not sure which one is right for me yet.
I've found myself saying "if I could" a lot when I'm writing lately. "If I could just sit down and tell him what I'm thinking;" "If I could just figure out what this means." What do I really need to know so badly? Because these little moments are me taking the pen away from God; not trusting that He has this all figured out.
Even if I don't mean to, I find myself second guessing what God has been telling me. I pray to Him as though it's a one-sided conversation. I say "God, aren't you listening!? I don't know what to do! Won't you tell me?" And then I sit and figure it out on my own. I play through possibilities and outcomes from my own reasoning. I pray to God for answers, but I never give Him the chance to talk.
So, once again, here's the pen. I'm all ears on this one. I understand now that praying isn't always just for when I want to talk when it's convenient for me. Next time I pray, I won't say a word....

"the time has come, it's closing in. the water's rising; sink or swim"

It's a crucial point on my road for success. These are the years when I could go anywhere. I could do anything I wanted. No one has set limits for me. But to be honest, that's just a load of lies. Because if I really could do anything I wanted, I don't think this would be it. At all. I wouldn't pressure myself into these years of stress and wondering if each little moment of studying for my future will be enough to actually get me there.

So why am I here? We always say "our road to success," but when we hit a speed bump or we have to wait to get what we want, we are afraid it's deterring from our dreams. If we would stop to realize that "the road to success" is an actual road, not just the destination, maybe we would save ourselves heart-ache and stress.

Because, whether I realize it or not, this is a piece of the road. A piece of this crazy puzzle that we still haven't put together. And, no matter how hard we try to figure out the end, we are still missing what we need to see the whole picture. We don't understand that. We constantly think, "it's cool. I know exactly how my life is going to turn out. I've got all my dreams figured out." But in all reality, we maybe have one or two pieces of this crazy puzzle. We have no clue about the whole picture.

So for now, I'm not missing any chances. I'm going to live as though every second is a piece of that puzzle. Because I don't know about you, but I want to see that whole picture...

"but I never told you what I should have said..."

I had moved on. I was far from forgetting it, but I had moved on. I had left it as the past and took another step towards what I was facing right now. So why, after all this time and all this effort to forget, am I suddenly attached again?
I shouldn't be missing you. I shouldn't be thinking about you. I should be able to move on now that I don't have to ever see your face again. But somehow, that thought that I won't see your face for years makes me want to see you more. It makes me want to talk to you...and I can't.
It makes me regret ever ignoring all your attempts to say goodbye one last time. It makes me regret ever telling you I could care less if I ever saw you again. It's not like I won't. It's not like you're gone forever. But you might as well be. You're gone so far I can't just sit and talk to you, which is what I wanted. But somehow, no matter how much I was over you and wanted you gone, I regret not telling you that I forgive you and that I will miss you.
So, years from now, if your offer is still good, I want to meet up with you and say all the things I should have said before...

"is this far enough??"

Give him space and stop stressing over him!
It's that time of year again. The time where a summer fling is winding down and guys are slowly pulling the "I need time to think us over" card. It's also the time of year where my phone is constantly ringing for advice from my friends.
The most common question: What does "I need time" mean?
Here's what it means- HE WILL TELL YOU EVENTUALLY! "I need time" doesn't mean "I'm never calling you again. Leave me alone." It means "leave me alone so I can think about the best decision." Sure, I will agree with the fact that guys are known for dumping girls at the drop of a hat, but if he's telling you he needs time to make a decision, at least he's taking even a few seconds from his XBOX to think about things rather than dumping you suddenly.
So stop analyzing every single word that comes out of his mouth and give him a chance to think. Don't pressure him in to a decision. Give him as much time as he needs. After all, the more time he gets, the more he can think things through and ultimately he will make the decision best for him.
Guys are confusing, so give them a chance to figure themselves out and save yourself the sleepless nights.

‎"don't let 'em say you aint beautiful... just stay true to you"-Eminem.

A friend of mine got me thinking today about this quote and said something that really struck me.
Lately, I've been focusing on being who I am to gain the confidence I've always wanted. However, how many of us actually know who we are? We always say to stay true to ourselves, but do we even know what we are staying true to? Is this why when we look back on ourselves we have changed greatly? Are we not entirely sure of ourselves to the point where we can't recognize the changes we've made within ourselves?
There are many details of myself that I wouldn't be able to truly define. I have ideas of what type of person I would ideally be. Everyone does. But am I really that person?
I like to think I am a strong Christian, but am I really that person, or just in the moments I focus on to come to that conclusion? How many moments out of my day am I truly a representation of Jesus Christ?
I like to think I am a respectful girl, but am I really that person? Or do I just focus on those little moments where I am and ignore every thing that differs from what I want to see?
How much of my life am I not only living, but seeing? Am I really observing all that I am, or am I just noticing the things about me I want to see?
I've changed a lot over the last few years. But the thing is, I'm slowly wanting to change back. I've seen the changes I'm making as "getting older," but in all reality, I'm just losing who I want to be and who I truly was. I didn't know who I was, and I didn't know when I lost myself. Now I can really discover who I am and blossom from that, not away from that.

"I will give you my heart, faithful and true, and all the love it can hold; that's all I can do."

I don't know why, but it seems as though I am haunted by a curse. As though I'm the one girl in the world who will never hear the words "I love you" other than from her friends and family.
I have a tendency to fall fast for a guy. Because when I am in a relationship, I'm fully invested. Which is why I don't need to call her boyfriend every day, or even every other day. I figure if he's even close to being as invested in me as I am in him, I don't need to check up on him. Because although we may not talk every second of every day, we still encompass every second of the other's life through their heart. And when they encompass my life and my heart, they've got me wrapped around their finger.
Then, it gets to the point where I lose touch with what I truly want in my life. I get caught up in the liars and the excuses and I keep thinking with every part of my heart that they think of me and respect me as much as I think of them and respect them. As though every guy loves the way I love.
I've learned to realize that the key to knowing a good love is whether or not you are still connected with God. Because if you are still connected with God, He will let you know. My friends give me a hard time because I will be so invested in a guy one day and single the next. Or a guy will ask me out and I'll say "no." Because I've been listening to God, and I know what He wants in my life. He knows what I want in my life. But without Him, I'll never be happy.
It's not a curse, it's a blessing. I am single because I've listened to God and haven't fallen for the traps of a lover I'm not meant to love. And that's alright by me.

forever's as far as I'll go... ♥

I sat and planned my whole life today... I know, what a way to start a post! Intriguing, yet to the point...
Anyways, a warning is included with this post. I just had benadryl, yet can't sleep, and decided this was my best outlet.
I planned my wedding in every detail. I picked my bridesmaids, my dream dress, the colors, location, flowers, everything. It was pretty intense. (Just so you know, my colors are gold and champagne with touches of pink, like in in flowers...haha. Oh, and my dress is a ballgown with a lace bodice, in case you were wondering.)
Then, I chose baby names! I've always had this feeling that my first kids would be twins; one boy and one girl. I love the name Susan Nicole (and, may I add the name Susan is being used for a friend of mine who is having ONE BOY AND ONE GIRL!! COINCIDENCES! tehe.) The boy will be Jacob Alexander. Cute, right?
Then the next boy will be Ethan James and the girl will be Evelyn Elizabeth. So, now that all the details are taken care of, maybe I can sleep....

untouchable like a distant diamond sky...I'm reaching out and I just can't tell you why...

I think the title to this one really says it all. Why do I let myself get caught up in things that will never happen? Of course, those feel-good people always tell me "believe in youself!" or "reach for your dreams!" But does anyone ever tell you how far you will be reaching? Or do they ever talk about if those dreams you are reaching for are worth it? No. They never do.
I wish there was such a thing as rehab for lost lovers, because I know I need it. I need someone to say "enough is enough. you don't need this!" and lock me in a room in a "douche bag detox" type scenario. That might be the only option I have left to burn into my mind how messed up I'm letting things get.
Why do I consistently hold on to things I know I don't need? Someone sat down with me yesterday to ask me the same question. In fact, they did compare me to a drug addict. It was like I knew it was wrong, but I was too far gone to go back to any sort of normality I could possibly latch on to.
I'm one of those girls who laughs at other girls who say "oh, he'll change for me! I know it!" and yet, at the same time, I'm one of those girls. Maybe I believe too much in the good of some people where I ignore all those bad things until I get myself in to situations I don't want to be in. I always think, "he won't do that to me. I'm different. He's different."
So please, if there is such a thing as "douche bag detox" send me the number. Sign me up. I need it.

run away lover...

I gave God the pen to my life earlier this year to the best of my ability after reading a book for Advanced Issues of Christian Faith. I was done with having control over my life. I was done trying to make things the way I wanted them. It just created this feeling of emptiness. This feeling that somewhere out there, God had something more waiting for me.
I started talking to God at night, having Him tell me everything I needed. After all, He knows best. And for a while, the insights I got on love were truly empowering. Almost peaceful to think about.
So, have I hit a road block, or am I still on the same path? Thinking back to these last couple of months, I keep feeling like I've once again grabbed back the pen, whether or not I knew it was happening. I keep telling myself I don't want control, then I go right ahead and take as much control as I can while still feeling like God has a say.
It was like I would take this bag of problems in my life and carry them up to God's alter, begging Him to lend me a hand. Then, instead of leaving my problems for God, who knows the solutions, I would go right ahead and carry them back out with me, as though I wasn't looking for God's help after all. So, in the end, I guess it's my fault I hit a road block.
This last week, I had strong spiritual interference in my life. I loved every second of it. It was easy knowing what to do, because I gave God the chance to just tell me without me running my mouth and coming to my own conclusions. I had people coming up to me saying they felt guided by God to talk to me. Not just one or two people; I had 9 people. 9 people pulled me aside at different times to talk to me, feeling as though they were guided by God to help me with my future and its many aspects.
Some of them talked to me about my career, all of them agreeing that I was meant to work with kids. Some of them talked to me about decisions I was going to make in my future, such as drinking, friendships, and hardships I would face about God through the people I would surely meet. But all of them talked to me about love, reassuring those things God has told me over the last couple of months. A couple even told me they had a strong feeling about this area of my life, as though God was calling them to help me with love. Most of them even suggested the same person for me to date. And I felt as though none of them had joined together to talk about us being together and then were trying to talk me in to it. I believe they truly felt moved by God to discuss this.
Once again, I ran scared. I listened, I felt, I believe what they were saying. But I made a big mistake and waited too much for God to take care of it, rather than listen to what He wanted me to do at that point. I kept saying "God will take care of it if He wants it to happen. I'll just sit and wait." Yet, at the same time, God was yelling "Do this! You need to do this!" Did I listen? No...
So now, once again, I'm handing the pen over. And if there is a way to get help about my run-away nature, I need it. I wish I could have known what God may have had in store for me. I'm just hoping He gives me one more chance to find out...

"I want to marry you so I can kiss you any time I want"

Never in my life have I found it so hard to write out what I am feeling. In fact, just that last little sentence took some time to think up. I can't believe after all this time, after all these sleepless nights with thoughts floating around on theme, I can't come up with the words to say how I feel.
In time, I grew to love you, and then I just left you. Something I'm evidently very, very good at, because although you were the first I left behind, you haven't been the last. But you have been the only one, no matter how quick I am to let you go, that I've still held on to. Sometimes, I've only let you pass my mind briefly, pretending you were never there at all. Other times, there is no mistaking how important you are in my life.
I leave it as a thought, though, and try to continue my search for love. And time after time after time I wind up shocked at how things have turned out. I'm shocked that a guy I thought I could love wasn't right for me, so I leave him. I leave them all. I say, once again, "I'm starting over new with guys." In all reality, I'm not starting over, I'm just running away. Because starting over means you are reinventing yourself. It means you are changing who you are or what you are doing wrong to make every mistake work out, if for just one second. But I don't change. I don't do anything different. I walk in to liking a guy just as fast as I walk out of any possible relationship.
And, with every fiber of my being, I'm sorry for that. I dropped every thing we could have had for a chance to go out in to the world and see if I could find love somewhere else. Because I wanted something different. I wanted something new and exciting. I couldn't see how perfect we could have been. I left before I took a second to look.
So please, we have one more chance. One year to see where this goes. This time, I'm all in. Please, give me that chance. If I could tell you anything right now, I would want to tell you how much I miss being around you and that I would do anything to change what I did. I regret trying to find love somewhere else and letting you go, but know that all I wanted was for you to be happy, and I never thought I could do that for you. I know, I just came out of high school, what would I know about all this stuff? You were leaving this dumb old town to finally do what you wanted and make something of yourself. I was still in school, a couple of years left to go. I never wanted you to go in to your future thinking of me. If I passed your mind from time to time, that's all I really wanted. Because I never wanted you to wake up years from now hating your job and where you live because you were too afraid to try something new and hurt me.
Please. One year. That's all I'm asking. Then we can get back to deciding our futures.

said we'd name one kid for your grandma and one for mine. we'll draw straws when it comes time...

For one split second, I was sitting there, wishing it would happen. I really did. I was wishing that he would walk in the room one more time so I could see him again. So every now and then I glanced over at the door, hoping that by some strange miracle he would appear. In all honesty, that continuously empty doorway was a blessing.
Who knows what I would have done if I really did see him. But I didn't think about that. I didn't think about what would have happened if he walked in the door while I was there. I knew he was on campus. Hell, he lives there. I know I will see him around. After all, we're going to the same college and we are in 2 choirs together. So I'm not really sure why we haven't run in to each other yet. All I know is that I don't know whether or not it's a blessing.
I was talking to one girl on campus yesterday. She has been in choir with him and even lived in the same building as him on campus. When I told her my name, she asked if I knew him. I said I did, and she admitted he had told her to say "hi" when I got on campus, though I'm not really sure why. He had even gone so far as to show her a picture of me, so that she could be sure to find me on campus. I'm not really sure how to feel about that.
I wanted him to walk in the door, I really, really did. And sometimes, I wonder how much of my college choice was based on the fact that he goes there. I don't even know why. We haven't even talked in a little over a year. But every time someone says his name, I get butterflies in my stomach. Every time I try to write a love song, his face ends up coming to my mind, no matter who I'm really thinking about.
Lately, I've been thinking about Mr. Good Guy. The one who makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time. The one who I'm so comfortable around. But the one who is quickly bumped out of my mind by the other guy. My heart really belongs to Mr. Good Guy over there. It really does. I can't get enough of being around him, but when he's gone, I'm okay with that. Sure, he comes to my mind a lot. I don't think a day goes by where I don't think of him in some way. But the other guy never leaves my mind. Every thought I have eventually roots back to him, as if I'm subconsciously living my life with him in mind. It's a feeling of love. It's not missing him or just thinking about him. It's that absolute feeling of love. I can't describe why. I guess love isn't meant to just be good on paper. But it works with us. We spend over half our time fighting, but the other half is so beautiful and magical and I could care less about all those quirky little moments. I can't believe it, but after letting him go to live his own life for a while, it's finally coming back to that point where my mind instantly goes to him. I love him even more than I did when I let him go.
In 68 days, we will be together all the time. Every day of the week while traveling and singing together. Let's see how it plays out.

"Someday When I Stop Loving You"

One foot on the bus about half past nine
I knew that you were leaving this time
I thought about laying down in its path
Thinking that you might get off for that
I remember that night we laid in bed
Naming all our kids that we hadn't had yet
One for your grandma and one for mine
Said we'd draw straws when it came time

[Chorus:]
I'll move on baby just like you
When the desert floods and the grass turns blue
When a sailing ship don't need a moon
It'll break my heart but I'll get through
Someday when I stop loving you

I bet all I had on a thing called love
I guess in the end it wasn't enough
And it's hard to watch you leave right now
I'm gonna have to learn to let you go somehow
Somehow

I knew from the first note played I'd be breaking all my rules to see you...

It's been a while since he was the focus of my thoughts. I don't think a day has gone by where I haven't thought of him. I know he was in my mind when I went to prom or dated or had my heart broken.
I've been talking a lot about love. To the point where I'm even tired of the subject. But I think there's a reason. Allowing myself to finally evaluate my love life has given me an opportunity to see the kind of love I want and need in my life and what love even really is. And every single time I wrote love on paper, his face came to my mind. Slowly, as I wrote, my emotions would stray farther and farther from the person I was talking about and more towards him. Every love song, every line, his face came to my mind.
I write songs, and obviously every now and then someone inspires a song, whether it be by something they said or just them alone, I find myself flooding a page with words and melodies, making sense of all my emotions enough to have a coherent work. I've only dated once since I first left him.
I've started to fall for other guys, as well. I've met some amazing guys who I really thought I could make last in my life. I blamed myself not going for it on that one relationship I had last year. Where I said my heart was torn out and stomped to pieces. But thinking about it, I wonder if my heart was ever really in it. If my heart was every really a part of anyone I liked. I've begun to think, "how much of me not letting myself go for those other guys and let myself get swept away was because I still have feelings for him? because he already swept me away?"
I've seen duets on T.V. of love songs and every time I pictured singing them with just him. Lately, the more I try to escape thoughts of him, the more life brings him back up. Little signs; my family suddenly talking about him, my sudden mistake of his name in place of another, and even the fact that my admission counselor has recommended me talking to him out of no where about being a music major. He's consuming my life again out of no where...
The same feelings I had before, years ago, are flooding my heart and my mind. "If you love someone, set them free. If they return, it was meant to be. If they don't, they were never yours to begin with." Suddenly, he's returning in more ways that one. I left him a couple years ago because it seemed like our lives were going in very opposite directions. And now, they're slowly merging back together and I'm not sure what to do. I thought of him every day, but after a while not like this. Not this strong. But, I think my feelings are getting stronger than they ever were.
53. 53 songs all about him. I counted today. No wonder love has been so hard to find. I had already found it years ago. I knew I had. When I let it go, I thought I could find love again. I'm starting to think I was wrong. I'm starting to think I was wrong because I'm realizing I have it. I never had a reason to look....

"Misty morning comes again and I can't help but wish I could see your face. I knew from the first note played I'd be breaking all my rules to see you. You smile that beautiful smile and all the girls in the front row scream your name. But dim that spotlight and tell me things like 'I can't take my eyes off of you.'"

forever young...

Graduation day! Woo-hoo! I'm not sure how you're supposed to feel, but I do know I don't really feel it yet... I'm just an alumnus of Lutheran High School...crazy stuff. Well, that's all I have to say on this...haha

thanks Macbeth...

In theater, there is one thing you never do: talk about or quote Macbeth. There are curses attached to even the mere mention of the show. It is believed that the "evils" in the show placed real curses on the actors in the show, as in almost every production, actors would die bizarre deaths on opening night or be seriously injured. Those who live would live torturous lives from then on.
Shakespeare is ruining my life? Right. But it really would be the only thing I haven't done to screw my life up. Murphy's Law: anything bad that can happen, will happen. Lauren's Law: anything bad that could happen happens even worse than imagined because my life likes to toy with me.
If there is a show the curses your love life, I'm pretty sure I was the star of it...twice. If there was a show that curses you future as a whole...I think I'm signed up to be a co-star. But, according to Lauren's Law, I should be cursed beyond eternity. It's the next step, right?
(I'm beginning to realize how ramble-ish this post is, but by the "it's 7 in the morning" rule, it is decent)
So, what's my next step? Starting tomorrow I'm seeing a guy I've been talking to for a while for 4 days while we are facilitators at a camp. While, at the same time, I will be working with the same guy I talked about in my last post on a duet for an upcoming concert. Something bad is going to happen. I can sense it. Feel it in my bones.
So, thanks Macbeth. I didn't die during the show, but you sure are leaving your footprints in my life....

don't you fret, we're just living in the future when it hasn't happened yet...

Does the thought of the future scare you? For myself, it’s terrifying. It’s that image, off in the distance, that you can’t wait to reach when it’s far, but the closer you get the more you just want to turn around and walk back. It’s that confusing concept, trapping your mind between what you shoud want and what you actually do.
True, it’s possible to be absolutely excited for your future, and yes it’s ok. I know I’ve stayed up until 2 in the morning the last couple of nights picking out what I wanted in the dorm room. My day dreams have been focused on thoughts of college life- sitting up talking to my room mate, playing softball with my friends, music classes and so on and so forth. But there’s a difference between wanting an event in the future to happen and wanting the future to happen.
Many seniors are saying “I can’t wait to finally get to live out my future.” “I can’t wait to just move on with life.” But moving on with life means life is moving on. The future doesn’t stop at college or at your future family. The future goes on as long as you do.
It’s a hard concept. It’s still got me pretty puzzled. But I do know a few things, one being that the future will never happen. You will never experience the future, you will only live the present. The future is a dream. It’s a thought. It’s one of those thoughts that may come true, and does come true often. But it’s a thought.
When you’re caught in the future, you miss the present. Why ignore what is happening now for what could or could not happen tomorrow? The only future we should be concerned with is our lives with Jesus. I know, it’s preachy sounding. I can’t help it. Because I know that while people around me are talking about what they want for their future, I have the one goal that will come true: a life in heaven. I don’t have to worry about my future because I already have one that’s absolutely perfect, and that’s good enough for me.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting something for your life. There’s nothing wrong with dreaming about having those 2.5 kids and wanting a knight in shining armour and wanting to be successful at whatever I do. I don’t plan on sitting around letting life happen with no work. Because God also says do EVERYTHING in life like you are doing it for Him. So yes, I do want to create a happy family and a successful career. But I won’t sit around thinking of how my future will bring anything better in my life. If I am doing what God says and I am working to my full ability in all aspects of life, I have the perfect present, and God has guarenteed the perfect future in Jesus Christ. So I won’t stress. I will work hard and know that the path of faith I am walking leads to my only real future.

“Don't worry, darlin'. No baby, don't you fret. We're livin' in the future and none of this has happened yet…” –Bruce Springsteen

I want a love like Johnny and June...

I have lived a good 18 years, and never in my life has love been such a prominent topic as it has been this past year. I question if I believe in it, if I'm meant to have it, and why I just can't seem to express it. And still, after all this questioning, I'm coming up with useless answers. I am no better off today, after hours of searching for answers, than I was before I started examining this topic.
For starters, am I even meant to love? Sure, I've always pictured me resting my head on some guys shoulder, and for a moment, just one moment, I would know the world was ok. That life had stopped just for us, if only for a second. I've dreamed of having beautiful children and living that perfect life. But where does the love come in? I know, that sounds heartless. "You said you had a husband! You said you had kids!" But, at what point will love reach that point? How do I even know it ever will?
I have walked through life expecting love to just suddenly appear. I meet a guy, fall head over heels, and the rest is history. But what if it's not? I've gotten in the habit of liking guys and as soon as one little thing goes wrong, I'm over it and on to the next one. Love isn't like that. Love is that one little second between all the fights and frustration where you know walking away will shatter your heart and your world will never go on, no matter how hard you try.
But it seems like people are rushing in to the whole "love" thing. They date for 3 weeks and they're at that point. The point where every comment is followed by a heart and they're so consumed with each other that no one else seems to exist. They don't get the difference between "love" and "lust." See, love is that one little thing that could change the world and stop it at the same time. Lust is that one thing that creates an infatuation. You are overwhelmed by all that is that person that you ignore, or fail to see, anything possibly wrong with them or your relationship. And you say it's love because nothing in your life has been more perfect. You don't know the difference, because you haven't taken a moment from gazing like a love-struck fool into your partners' eyes to realize what's going on; what your relationship is really based on.
Hearing "I love you" every time I turn around is really getting old. Some people find the thought of "love in the air" inspiring. I for one, find it disappointing. Because those three little words are so abused. People make it a big deal "when should I tell her I love her?" "Why hasn't he told me he loves me?" "Should I tell her I love her? I think I feel that way.." If you ever have to question it, if even for a second, you are far from being in love.
And love is more than a feeling. The "I just really feel like I love him" line is an excuse. Yes, I know, I sound cynical, but the truth of the matter is, the "feeling" card is just another way of saying "we've been dating for a while and I'm expected to make this next step or dump him."
And some people will say they wouldn't dump the guy just because they weren't ready to say I love you, but that's what your surroundings are telling you. "If you haven't said it yet, maybe you're never meant to say it to him/her" It's no wonder love is so hard. It isn't hard to find, if you give it a chance, but it's hard to let develop. We are so quick to put time limits on feeling love. We want to have that "special feeling" right away, or we'll move on. But there is no time limit on love. We are closer than we think to finding love. It's like taking a hike, just because you don't reach the end of the trail in 1 minute doesn't mean you won't reach it by following the same path. It make require 2 more steps or 200 more steps, but we still have to make that journey.


"I want a love like Johnny and June- rings of fire burning with you. I want to walk the line; walk the line to the end of time. I want to love; love you that much to cash it all in and give it all up. Where you go, I want to go, too, like Johnny and June..."

every step I take... I'll be missing you

Earlier this month, with the thought of moving on in the distant horizon, the girls and I discussed what actions we promise to make to ensure our friendship will last forever. We talked about calling and writing letters. Then, we thought, what happens when twice a week becomes twice a month becomes twice a year becomes nothing? So, we decided during our last study hall, we would draw up and sign a contract. Today was that last study hall.
The contract reads:

"We, Lauren Acton, Natalie Foss, Laura Mayfield, and Chelsea Wilson do hereby swear to uphold our friendship in every way it entails, including:
~We will be bridesmaids in each others' weddings
~We will be present as the births of each others' children
~We will inform each other of any medical issues within a week of finding them out
~We will have some form of communication with each person at least once a week
~We will inform each other of every significant moment in our lives
~We will send one photo after every change in appearance
~We will all meet together at least once every 3 months
~We will share ALL juicy gossip
~We will be included in each others' wills
~We will write personal letters once a week
~We will remain personal "Dr. Phils" to the entire group
~We will be present, if possible, and graduations, even for their children
~We will send a card or letter or call on every birthday and holiday
~We will send updates 3 times a week

If any of the above outlines to friendship are broken, an immediate phone call is required to fulfill those requirement. And, more than anything, we will promise to always be best friends forever, no matter what.






Contractual obligation is nothing to mess with! With graduation Sunday, it will soon be time to put this contract in to action. However, it shouldn't be neccessary. We are too close for words and I know it will never change.


"Every step I take, every move I make every single day, every time I pray I'll be missing you"

his dark eyes dared me with danger...

Love. I know, the topic is getting old for me, too. But just when I don't ever want to hear that word again, life throws it at me.
True, love is a beautiful thing, but man is it confusing. And lately it seems like every class at school is relating the lesson back to that topic. In fact, one of the more prominent lessons has been in advanced issues, called "when God writes your love story." Our lesson is based off a book I read earlier in the year for adv. issues by Eric and Leslie Ludy. Anyone struggling with love, read this book.
And it seems like it was no coincidence that this book was brought back up. I had nearly forgotten all about reading it. I remembered key aspects of it: why you should wait, why you should have God in your love life, etc. etc. etc., but nothing ever seemed to click in terms of applying it to my own life. It was more like those principles of christian relationships were burned in to my mind rather than something I truly believed in.
I sometimes questioned waiting until marriage. I've been in situations where a guy has really pressured me in to giving that up. I've been in a relationship where that was the deal breaker. But because it was burned in to my mind, I let that relationship go. I just never really knew why it was burned in to my mind to the point where I can't ignore it.
Then, there was putting God in your love life. This is more than just going to church together or talking about faith or dating a christian. Putting God in your love life means handing Him the pen to write you a beautiful love story, with no input from you. I know, "but God doesn't know my taste." "But God doesn't understand what I'm looking for." God knows, because He made you. He knows every little quirk about you, every freckle on your face, the exact sound of your laugh, and He knows the person perfect for you. You just have to trust Him long enough to help you figure it out.
I know, lately my blogs have sounded more like sermons that a testimonial to my life, but these are the things I'm finding more and more true as time goes on. When I've taken control of my love life, entirely on my own, I've picked nothing but losers. I've picked guys who are getting arrested or out partying every night or cheaters. I've never picked someone who was a real christian because I didn't look for someone with the help of God. I have to trust that God will lead the right person in to my life and know that that right person will never pressure me in to doing things I don't want to do.
I've already sacrificed a lot of things in the search for love, and I'm not willing to give up any more. I'm handing the pen over to God...

my mind is racing faster than I can run...

I need to stop believing. Something I'm learning more about as time goes on. It seems like the more I believe in the people I meet, the more I think they can change, the more they prove me wrong.
I try to think that someone is truly special and really great to be around, and for me, and then they do something totally stupid to prove me wrong. But, I give second and third and fourth and fifth chances in the hopes that maybe this time things will change. Maybe this time I can actually have something trust-worthy to believe in. But then I'm proven wrong.
I have been taking advice from friends over the last couple of days on what to do about this situation in my life. I feel bad for the guys, YES MULTIPLE STUPID DECISIONS, but I need to stop expecting things to change. Granted, it is possible for men to finally grow up, but they sure do know how to stack the cards against themselves on making others believe that.
As one of my friends said, when they make these dumb decisions, would I want to have them meet my family? Even if it was in the past? Of course, the answer is no, although I do truly, truly love them, but then I still give them another chance to make me change my mind.
I need to stop. That doesn't mean I will stop being their friends, although for one it is very questionable, but I will stop expecting them to be anything different. I will stop expecting them to be great assets to my life when they've proven time and time again they aren't.
I know it's confusing. How could I want to be friends with them without giving them other chances and without expecting anything from them? To be honest, I don't know myself. All I know is I don't want to cut them from my life because of dumb decisions, but I don't want to make them a priority and put all my trust in them when they don't deserve it.
For now, I'll just confide in my group of "Dr. Phil-s" for support. I'm too confused to figure it out myself.

untitled...

Coolness. Something everyone is after. Something everyone aspires to have and be recognized as having.
It's high school. The years that are said to define your life. So, people aspire to be the most popular people they can be. They want to have all the friends. They want to have everyone on their side, even if that means sacrificing who they are. But who will be by your side as soon as you let your guard down? Who is going to let you call them at 3 in the morning? Who is going to give you a shoulder to cry on? Who is going to let you act less-than-cool when you're with them? Because I can guarantee it won't be the people who refer to you as popular...
When you are popular, you don't really have any friends. Sure, you have people surrounding you and what-not. You don't have friends. Because friends are those few people who see you, the real you, and love you for every little bit of it. By having "followers," you have no "friends." Yet, everyone still desires to be put in that position. I don't know a single guy who would turn down prom king or a girl who'd turn down prom queen. And sure, it's a great honor to have the title. But, there's a reason the crown is made out of plastic: it's a symbol of who you've been in high school.
I know, I sound like a hypocrite. I own some of these crowns. I've been voted "queen" of things. But, I've done it the right way. I've never compromised who I am for what others what me to be. If I am going to have friends, I don't want them to only be followers.
So, I'm leaving high school knowing that whatever friends I claimed were truly friends. There are people I won't talk to who are self-proclaimed "little miss popular"s. If that means I don't gain popularity, so be it. It's high school, people. These things aren't important. They shouldn't be important. Because if all you're after is followers, I doubt you'll leave high school with anything other than a diploma.

your dreams are riding in the wind. just reach out and pull them in...

The chances we let slip through our hands... sometimes, they'll haunt us for the rest of our lives.
I wish I could give some insight or comfort on this topic, but I can't. I really can't. Because no matter what you say or what happens in the future, you will never have THAT experience. I know, this isn't helpful to anyone, but maybe a lesson can come from this.
I passed up something great. Something really, really great four years ago. I wanted it, that was never in question, I just couldn't bring myself to go after it. I kept giving all these reasons why it wouldn't work and eventually talked myself out of something really important to me. I was a coward and ever since then I've regretted it.
I haven't gotten over it. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about being so close to what I wanted and letting it go. I will never get THAT chance again. Sure, other moments are beginning to present themselves, mainly including being at Millikin next year for one last shot at it, but I won't have that same first chance. I lucked out and have one last opportunity to make things right. But what would have happened if I didn't get that last chance?
If I didn't luck out, where would I be? How long would it take me to get it out of my mind? Would I ever get it out of my mind? It turns out there is somewhat of a lesson here after all, although not a very uplifting one. What if today, in that one moment, you had a chance at something, whether you know it will be a big part of your life at the time or not, and you let it go? Take those chances. Don't try to live life cautiously. When someone tries to talk you out of your dreams, remember it's you in that situation or that moment. And never give up on what you love. Not everyone gets a second chance...

"Don't tell me not to fly, because I've simply got to. If someone takes a spill it'll be me and not you. So don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade."

my letter to juliet...

There is a tradition at the home of the Capulet's in Verona, Italy, where Romeo and Juliet fell in love. Every day, women from all over the world travel to write a letter to Juliet asking for advice about love before placing it on, or sometime in, the wall of the home under the balcony.
For hundreds of years, letters have been written to Juliet and placed on the wall. Sometimes, answers are given. At times, fate happens. Destinies are discovered. So, it's worth a shot...

Dear Juliet,
It seems like love has escaped my grasp over the years, most times for the better. I continue to wish at 11:11 or on shooting stars, but I can't seem to find my Romeo; someone to swim across oceans and leave all else behind for. When wishing isn't enough, when will my Romeo enter?



I know, it's a silly idea to write to Juliet. I understand that. But why can't I believe in the magic of love? Why can't I believe that once in a while something so marvelous, so magical, so inspiring can happen outside of stories? I believe in love. I believe I can love.

One day, I will find love. Sure, it may not be in the form of a heart-filled plea from the bottom of a balcony for me to run away into the arms of my night in shining armor. But, love is out there, and like Juliet, once I find it, I would do anything to keep it.

a man named Norman...

We finished watching the video "A Man Named Norman" today in religion. After every inspirational story I've ever told or retold, this story was personally the most powerful in my life.
The story was about a man who was considered the outcast of the town. He lived in the shadows in an old house that seemed to be abandoned. The porch was caved in, the windows were so filthy you couldn't see through them, the bushes we severely overgrown, the wallpaper was falling off the walls, there were cans and dirt and trash bags everywhere, and it's inhabitant was a cruel old man. The house was ignored. No one ever had a reason to stop by the house, or Norman.
Every Sunday after church services, all the Christians in this small town in Illinois would go to get ice cream at the Dairy Queen together. Norman, like clock work, would walk in the the Dairy Queen, where the town gathered in conversation. Norman was ignored. He would walk in and sit down alone. People would act like he wasn't there.
A tall, lanky man, mid-70's, Norman was...strange. He wore old overalls that were covered in dirt, rain boots, no matter the weather, and he looked as though he hadn't bathed in years. Dirt covered his body from head to toe. He would often be seen downtown looking in to the sky talking incoherent words. So, people would walk around him, ignoring him.
Until his neighbor, new to the town, reached out one day to help Norman fix his lawn mower. He said "Hi, Norman. I'm your new neighbor." "Hi, Norman, I'm your new neighbor," said Norman in his deep voice. The neighbor had this feeling in his heart as though he should invite Norman over that night to watch a Christian program that night. "So, should I see you tonight?" the neighbor said. "So, should I see you tonight?" Norman answered before he walked away.
That night, Norman walked across the street, dressed in the best he owned: an old tie that wasn't tied quite right, a pair of dirty slacks and a shirt. Norman obviously knew that being invited over was a special thing. He sat at the t.v. and watched for a full hour the Christian program. When it was over, he just stood up and said "Thank you, Mike" to his neighbor before leaving to his dark home across the street.
The next morning, the neighbor, Mike, walked over with an old suit to give to Norman. When he handed the suit to him, he remembered the word of God: "treat others as you would treat YOURSELF." He took Norman under his wings on that day. He bought him a brand new suit and cut his hair. The biggest change: giving Norman a bath.
He scrubbed Norman's face in the bathroom clean before telling him "From the neck down is up to you, big guy. Call me when you think you're clean and I'll see if you are really clean."
Norman called him three times before he was really clean. When Mike asked Norman why it had been so long since his last bath, Norman answered with a statement that broke Mike's heart. "Even if I did, who would care?" That day, Mike took it upon himself to care.
He fixed up Norman's house, with the help of some Methodists from the church displaced by a blizzard. It was a showplace. On top of that, he took Norman to a Cardinal's game. Norman claimed he had only been within 30 miles of the old town his entire life, since he was left alone from a young age in the old house after the death of his father in a coal mine. Norman had raised himself the best he could, and never had a chance to provide himself with any fun.
Norman changed Mike's life, much like his story changed mine. With the little help of a kind Christian heart, one acting with the help of God, Norman was no longer in the shadows. He was accepted and loved. He was helped when no one was willing to help him, and this old man finally had a chance to truly live life.
We all have Normans in our lives. We all have those people who we'd rather stay in the shadows than stand beside us. When will it be your turn to help out? Read the Bible, and now it's your time every time. No man is too big or too small for a helping hand.

I'm walking on sunshine...

Life is perfect. It really is. My personal music has never sounded better or had better lyrics, my confidence has never been higher, my friendships have never been stronger, and my future has never been so bright.
I've still got that goofy smile plastered to my face. It's crazy, really. Today, after taking a test, my teacher asked me what was so funny because I was smiling from ear to ear for the whole class period. I've just been filled with happiness.
I've finally found the trick(s) to being confident. For starters, don't fake happiness. Whether you know it or not, it makes it harder for you to recognize those things that will make you happy when they happen. If anything, don't be happy if you don't feel happy. When you become comfortable in your emotions, you can allow yourself to become more comfortable in every aspect of your life, whether it be your love life, your looks, or anything else. If you feel sad, cry. If you feel happy, smile. But let your emotions tell the truth. When you're lying to your heart, you are lying to yourself, and you will never be confident with who you are.
Second, rock what you've got, even if it's not "in style." If you have curves, show them off. If your eyes are farther apart than you want, bat those lashes anyways. If your face has some spots, don't be afraid to keep your chin up. Life is all about imperfections. That's what makes it...well, perfect in every way.
Not every person's puzzle has the same pieces. One person may be a little more curvy, once may be more thin. One tall, one short. But if they try to change those pieces, their puzzle will no longer be complete. They will no longer be what they were intended to be.
So own, love it, live it for all it's worth. And remember, don't try to make new pieces fit your puzzle, work with what you've been blessed with.

"I've got a couple dents in my fender. I've got a couple rips in my jeans. I'm trying to fit the pieces together, but perfection is my enemy. On my own I'm so clumsy, but on your shoulders I can see...I'm free to be me."

I'll keep a part of you with me. And everywhere I am, there you'll be....

Once again, the fact that I'm a senior is not just slapping me in the face, it is full-on punching me out.
I have been spending time mailing out graduation invites to my friends and family and finishing senior year things (finalizing college plans, participating in awards day, getting replace as a student council officer in the swearing in ceremony, which by the way made me feel really old). It's really becoming official. In exactly 18 days, I will be an alumnus from Lutheran High School. Crazy to think that in 18 days, it'll all be over.
Once again, I feel the need to rant about what going on entails. After all is said and done on May 18th, I have my future left. What does this really mean? Where do I go? What will I do?
It has not become any easier to answer these questions as the time approaches more and more, like I hoped it would be. In fact, the thought of moving on gets harder and harder, as I realizes all I will be leaving. For one, I will be leaving my friends behind, the hardest thing I think I've had to overcome so far. I feel comfortable talking to them about anything. In fact, the other day we set in stone that if we HAD to be cremated, we would want our ashes spread in very specific ways by certain people in certain places and we made a pact to fulfill these wishes. And, after this conversation, we all realized none of us REALLY wanted to be cremated after all.
Next year, will I find people to have these kind of conversations with? And if so, will that make the memories I have now with my friends less meaningful, knowing that what we deem to be special now can also be found in other people. How will this distort my memories? Or will I even remember?
I know that ten years from now, my friends will be successful, because I know they are all pursuing what they truly love. Should my friends ever read this, there is one thing I want them to remember from my little rants: no matter where you go in life or what you do, be happy. Be just as happy as you were when we would sit for hours talking about nothing really important. Be just as happy as you were when you first fell in love or first learned to ride a bike. I know it sounds corny, but growing up doesn't mean growing away from that little piece of our souls that finds happiness in simplicity. I want you to be happy.
Of course, if you ever need to verify your plans post-cremation or talk about boys or life, remember that I'll still be here to talk things through with you. Remember, I'll still be here. Even though we're moving away, I refuse to let us grow apart. I refuse. Simple as that.
So, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on or someone to spread your ashes, I've got your back. After all, what are friends for? :)


"When I think back on these times and the dreams we left behind, I'll be glad. I was blessed to get to have you in my life. When I look back on these days, I'll look and see your face. You were right there for me. In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky. In my heart there will always be a place for you for all my life. I'll keep a part of you with me. Everywhere I am, there you'll be..

Well you showed me how it feels to feel the sky within my reach. And I always will remember all the strength you gave to me. Your love made me make it through. Oh, I owe so much to you. You were right there for me...

Because I always saw in you. My light, my strength. And I want to thank you now for all the ways you were right there for me..." -There You'll Be by Faith Hill

eternal sunshine...

This is me. Reinvented. Living a fresh, new life. I'm just happy. Really, really happy. I've given myself time away from serious relationships to really figure myself out, and for probably the first time in my life, I love me for me.
For the first time in my life, I like the way I look. I like the way my voice sounds and I like my dorky high-pitched laugh. I like it because, well, it's me. All those little things girls would freak out about; extra weight, freckles, a dorky laugh, all those things make me who I am. I'm unique. And, if there's anything anyone should know about me, it should be that I love being different.
I love that being myself isn't something I should be afraid of anymore. I have a great group of friends who could care less if I snort when I laugh (which I do, and they don't let me live down.). They don't care if I'm a little on the chubby side. They don't care that my face isn't freckle-free or that I'm not above 5'2''. They don't care because I don't care.

When I love myself, others love me. It's a simple as that. The more confident and comfortable I am with myself, the more my friends respond. The conversations we have don't focus on how we need to tan or dye our hair because we "feel gross." They're "gosh my eyes look really pretty today," or "wow, my butt looks good in these jeans." It sounds silly, but it really lightens my day. Eternal sunshine. It sounds crazy and happy-go-lucky, but honestly, when the little things about myself no longer bother me, the little things in life no longer bother me. It's a beautiful thing.

you're just another picture to burn...

Just when I had gotten done saying that I'm letting my guard down, because not all guys are alike, he does the same thing with my heart that made me build those walls in the first place.
I HATE being told by a guy that they are still "keeping their options open." I suppose this goes back to my confidence issues. I don't like feeling like I could be a possibility, but there are other girls who are you feel could easily replace me. That's not what I want in a relationship. I don't know any girls who want that in a relationship. So, I'm refusing to let a relationship grow from this.
I don't want to be in a situation where I'm constantly afraid of being replaced or that he'll go mess around with a girl because, hey, he's keeping his options open. I've been there. I've been replaced. I've been the one who wasn't as good as the next thing to walk by, and then he's gone. I don't want my heart messed with like that. I can't handle having my heart messed with like that ever.
Even if after "looking at all the options," I was the one he wanted, I wouldn't do it. Because, what if a better option comes along later on? I never want to experience that again.
I'm starting fresh. The boys in my life right now aren't the type of guys I want to fall in love with forever. When college comes around, it'll be a fresh start. But for now, I am content, and safe, being single.

"Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day. Just walk away. There's no use defending words that you will never say. And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through...I've never been anywhere cold as you."

happy-go-lucky state of mind...

Lately my blogs have had to do a lot with love. That's very strange for me.
Today in study hall (referred to as "story hall") I have a brief, but very eye-opening, discussion about my warped views on love. How I didn't believe that a girl like me was capable of finding, and keeping, love. I am extremely insecure for a confident person.
You may be thinking "whaaat? Has she lost her mind? That makes no sense!" Here me out on this. Many of my friends, and even people I've met through different things, have commented on my confidence. I know I am talented, because no matter what anyone tells me, I feel it. I feel like my talents were given to me for a reason and I have to really work with them and get the full advantage.
I walk in to rooms confidently. I'm not shy by any means, in case you couldn't tell. In fact, if there is a new kid in my school, I will know their name and they will know mine by the middle of the day. I enjoy being outgoing because I am not afraid to be.
But this confidence hits the breaks when it comes to the love department. For a senior in high school, I am very inexperienced on true love. I've never had a real boyfriend and I haven't even really been all out kissed passed a peck. (Sad, I know...). On top of that, I have a very low trust in guys. I'm always afraid of getting hurt again, and so when it comes to men I'm interested in, if there's a wall to be build, it's there and then some. I let my lack of confidence create a skewed view of men and myself. This right here has destroyed my love life to this point.
Another thing, and I know my friends get angry at me for harping on this so often when we get to the "love" subject, but I don't feel confident in how I look around men. Sure, I think my face is attractive, I love my hair and my eyes, and I think I dress semi-decent daily. But, when I'm around a guy I'm interested in, all I can focus on is how overweight I am, how my body is covered in freckles, and how short I am. I consider myself unattractive to the opposite sex, which makes me unattractive to the opposite sex.
Lately, I've been working on building myself up in many areas of my life. I've been finding new outlets for happiness, giving myself time to reach goals, talking to guys I've like in a "more than friends" way. But now I'm adding another step. I've been dressing in some of my better clothes, doing my hair and makeup as nice as I can for someone who wakes up at 5:30 every morning. And, I walking in to those situations confident, like I do when I walk on stage. I've noticed a huge change in how men perceive me. I was making myself unattractive by feeling unattractive. Now, I'm seeing myself as a beautiful, confident, vivacious woman, and I see others around me are perceiving me in the same way.




"Mirror, Mirror on the wall, have I got it? 'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am. I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect. So sorry you won't define me. Sorry you don't own me. Who are you to tell me that I'm less than what I should be? Who are you? Who are you? I don't need to listen to the list of things I should do. I won't try. I won't try... Mirror I am seeing a new reflection. I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me and to Him I have beauty beyond compare. I know He defines me" - Mirror by Barlow Girl

for a moment, she isn't scared...

Ranting time. This is your warning: the contents of this blog may not be a exciting/weird to you as they were to me. At this point, I am just putting what's on my mind on paper...err the internet... THIS SERVED AS YOUR WARNING. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
The last 5 nights, I repeat, 5 nights, I have had the same themed dreams. They all involve myself, 10 years from now, living out every aspect of my future that I've rarely thought about.
My first dream showed me, at Saint Paul's in a wedding dress, walking through the saber arch on my wedding day (military? intriguing...) to my hansom husband at the end of the aisle.
There were white flowers leading the way. I saw my wedding party, full of 5 of my closest girl friends, exactly what they were wearing, what priest was officiating the service, who the husband in my dream was (wowzaaa), exactly what my dress looked like (and it was the one I've been in love with for years, so it was super accurate). EVERYTHING! I heard Joyful Joyful as I walked down the aisle, played and sung slowly, the old gospel style. I saw all of it. It was exactly how I pictured my wedding; exactly who I wanted there, officiating, exactly what I wanted people wearing, the exact colors and flowers. I saw it all. I blew my mind, but I shook it off.
The next night, I had a dream it was Mother's day of that same year, after marriage, and my husband and I had our mother's and fathers, sisters and brothers, everyone over for a family dinner. I announced to everyone, including him, that I was pregnant. A roar burst over the room. For a dream, it was very realistic.
The next dream was me finding out I was having a little girl, and the dream after that consisted of buying a house and painting a nursery. The final dream showed my little girl, blond hair blue eyes in a pink dress, learning how to walk and playing with my husband.
All of these dreams never had the "dream" affect on me. They never had a single part that was unrealistic. And, it took place within 10 years of my graduation. All of this really will happen 10 years from now. I will get married, have kids, a home of my own, a career, everything. After high school graduation, this will become my life.
The weird thing is, most people would be a little weirded out by these dreams, no matter their abilities to melt his/her heart. But, I loved them. I loved knowing that these were the kind of things I have to look forward to. For a while, I've been dreading the end to my senior year. But thinking that this is what I have to look forward to, these are the memories still to come, I love it. I want more of these dreams. No, I just want this. Now, I just need to get this guy.


"I might have to wait, I’ll never give up. I guess it's half timing and the other half's luck. Wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life. And I know that we can be so amazing. And baby, your love is gonna change me. And now I can see every possibility."

don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade...

I have been in the best mood lately I think I've ever been! I don't know why, really. I mean, to be honest, I've been dreading the end of senior year, which also marks the beginning on me working at least 2 jobs over the summer to raise money for college and I've been thinking about leaving friends. Somehow, after all of that, I am jumping for joy over...something...
It's weird. I've managed to find joy in things without knowing I was finding joy in them. Maybe my little trick of stopping to smell the roses has really worked! Everyone knows I'm a hugger and a BIG SMILER.
I don't think there's ever a moment where I don't have a smile on my face...well, before noon, but that's a given. And, of course, I will never turn down a free hug. But lately, it's kind of been out of control. Today, I had this weird pain in my cheeks and I complained to my friend third hour. She responded with "well, if you'd get that goofy grin off your face for five minutes, maybe it'd help." And she was right. It was just because of the smile plastered to my face. And I couldn't drop it. On top of that, I easily gave 20 hugs today. I'm started to think I'm getting slipped happy pills.
Once again, I don't know why I'm so flippin' happy. But it was the little things that really made me smile, especially today. In P.E., one kid was running so slow that a couple of us bet one kid, who was sitting to the side after finishing his laps, could run a full lap and pass him, getting to the finish line first. He did, and I must have laughed for the rest of the class period. I've just had legit joy in the smallest things lately. Someone stop me before this gets even more out of control!

"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have." ~Frederick Keonig

happily ever after?

I'm starting to pinpoint things in my life I need to adjust before facing my future. This time, the dart lands on my ability to be happy.
Now, some may think happiness is subjective to the events going on around them. As true as that may be, lately I've realized I haven't let myself be happy. I've been in a "down" state of mind lately when it comes to many things. I've been upset about boy problems, my future, and everything in between.
First off, I've realized my future, no matter how stressful, should be the most important and special thing in my life right now. Instead, I've concerned myself only with the stressful things: costs, major, jobs, etc. I've ignored the fact that the choices I'm making dictate my career, my friendships, everything that will be important in my life. If anything, I should just be flat out excited!
Then, there are boy "problems." I've only been in one "relationship." It lasted about 5 weeks over the summer. I never talked about it because the only thing that happened was 2 weeks in I wouldn't put out so he cheated on me, told me about it week five, and I left him. Great love life, right? I don't even count him as ever having been my boyfriend. I don't want to admit that was the first semi-relationship I've ever had.
So, I've shut all men out. I've turned down potential dates, I've ignored guys who would've been great to have in my life, and I've pretended to be content alone. And once I open myself back up, it seems like I just open myself up to the wrong people, get my heart broken, and start this stupid process all over again.
Now, I think I've found someone who could make me happy. I just need to open my heart up to happiness, and maybe it will last me through the "happily ever after."

"you stole my heart when I didn't think you would. You took my love and gave me yours. You promised me forever when I didn't think you could in this sleep tractor town in Illinois... But it meant the world to me in your arms"

save the last dance for me...

"Your love life is exactly what you make it." This quote has been ringing through my skull for the last couple of days.
With guy friends like mine, it's hard to believe that guys could truly love a respect a girl. Granted, these guys have serious heart, but when they think they are free to talk the words that come out of their mouths make me sick...and insecure. One of my guy friends talks about his latest "conquests" nearly every day. Another, how he would prefer a girl to look and "moves" she should use.
How do I compete with that? I wake up every morning to plaster on makeup and fix my hair exactly how they'd like a girl to look, and to be honest, lately I don't understand why.
I sit, listening to their testosterone driven rants every single day, and then I begin to think about myself. I start despising men and the ways they think. I start despising the way I look in the mirror. I just destroy my love life and my view of myself.
I had to read a book for religion class called "When God Writes Your Love Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy. I recommend this to anyone struggling with these same issues. One of my favorite quotes from it is "look in the mirror and like what you see. then, try to like it with someone else in the picture. If you can't, you aren't meant to love them...God will lead you to who you are meant to love, you just have to give Him ALL the keys to your life."
So for now, I am handing over every key and hoping God helps me make the right decision. The scary thing is, I think I have found someone special in my life. But this time, I'm letting God let me know...

"Don't forget who's taking you home, and in whose arms you're going to be. So darling, save the last dance for me."

let my love be your blue sky...

All of senior year I have sat talking about the future about how exciting it was and how it needs to hurry up! Then, reality hit a cord. In 21 days, everything will be over.
Now, I have to begin choosing my words semi-carefully... I have waited around for 3 years for the same person. Constantly. One guy. Then, in one swift movement, everything I wanted was taken. It wasn't going to happen ever, simple as that. And maybe, a lot of it was I no longer wanted it. I was no longer willing to sit around and wait for him to make up his mind for the last time, like I had for 3 years. I was over it. I was tired of just sitting around until things fell in to place for him. I didn't like those constant mind games I was put through. The phone calls at 3am just because he was thinking of me, and those little things he'd say that made my heart race, followed by "I have a new gf. You'd really love her." Eternal. Friend mode.
And just when I couldn't take it anymore and I gave up, it seemed like finally I was in the right place at the right time. No, not the same guy, I'm waaaayyyyy over that. But just as my heart had been stomped on for the last time, the right person was there to pick up the pieces. Just when I was feeling like a piece of crap, he held me tight and told me that I was a gem. That I didn't deserve all the hell I've been put through and that he resents any guy who could make me feel so low.
For now, the story sort of rests there. It took a very important, and special moment for me to see how much he truly means to me and how special of a place he holds in my heart. This guy really keeps my heart beating... Now I have 21 days left before we go our separate ways. This time, I won't sit around and wait for any guy. For once, things are going to happen on my terms.


"When the rain is falling and there’s no silver lining; you just can’t seem to find the light. When you need a reason to help you keep believing, let my love be your blue sky..."

more like falling in love than something to believe in..

If there is anything in my life that truly makes me smile, it's God's ability to plant these reminders that He is always with me.
Sometimes, His reminders appear in songs I stumble upon on the radio that move me beyond anything I've experience. Others are people in my life that have impacted me greatly. This time, it's a short story I read.
I have been working on a book with the constant guidance of my friend (some may call this nagging, considering she refuses to leave me alone until I read this book). It is called "It's Your Time Now" by Joel Osteen. This man has some stories. But one that really got my mind refocusing on what's important at this time is a story he calls "you are closer than you think."

Joel was in colorado and had planned to hike up a mountain side on his trip. When he drove out to a trail, a sign read it was a three hour climb. Joel observed his surroundings and began his journey. The first fifteen minutes, Joel was excited. He was motivated, because at the very beginning, the trip was easy. But the closer he got to his goal, half an hour in, he felt himself getting weak. The harder his journey became, the less he wanted to reach that goal. He was ready to give up. He didn't want to push himself any farther. He kept thinking “I have two and a half hours left to climb. I can't go on.” Just as he began to turn around and head back, a man passed him. The man said “you are almost there. You are closer than you think.” Joel was refocused. He was closer than he thought. He turned around and continued climbing. Although the sign said it was a three hour climb, he reached the top in 45 minutes. He was closer than he thought.

How many times have we caught ourselves thinking that if it hasn't happened yet, then why is it worth the struggle? How many times have we said that in our walks with our families? With God? Sometimes, our goals can take 2 years or 2 days. I am guilty of putting time limits on God.

In the story, the man gave Joel hope because he had seen the path ahead and knew what was coming next. God is the same in our lives. He knows what's lying ahead because He has paved that path for us. He has walked it before. As the Bible says, “we walk by FAITH, NOT by sight.” Even if we don't know what's ahead, we have to have the faith to know that God knows what's in store for us and that He has blessed us by giving us a path that will lead us to the summit, no matter how long it takes to get there.

I am winding down in my high school years and preparing for college. I'm also searching for jobs and saying goodbye to my childhood and my friends. It seems like all this is happening so quickly, and I find myself saying "God, why can't you help me find a job? God, why can't you keep my friends near me? God, why can't you...?" Maybe, God is but I just won't take a second to notice.

One of my favorite songs out right now is What do I know of Holy? One line in it says "I tried to hear from heaven, but I talked the whole time." So, for now, I will stop asking questions and listen for the answers. Maybe God has been giving me the direction I need to make it to my summit and I haven't stopped to listen...

You Get What You Give

If the last conversation you had, the last thought you had, the last person you loved, was all you had, how do you feel about your life? If everything you’ve done defined all you will ever be, what will they say about you?

So often we are stuck in the mode of "tomorrow." We often find ourselves planning ahead and ingnoring what's real and what's right now. We are afraid of what other people may have to say, so we find a shell- a mask- to cover every aspect of our lives we are too embarrassed or afraid to show. We put on a smile and walk through life with our head held high while on the inside, we are afraid. We are afraid of every little moment where someone could catch us with our walls down and see us without that mask.

Naturally, we make bad choices. We have friends we wish we didn't, we do things we wish we hadn't, and we put ourselves in situations that never should've happend. However, we walk around like it never happend. We walk around lying to others and ourselves, masks on, wondering when the day will come when someone figures us out. When the day will come for someone to finally see through the fake attitudes surrounding our lives.

We all have friends we wish we'd kept and friends we should've lost and friends we wished we had. We change ourselves to match the persona of who we want to be and build our lives and the people in them around that. Think about your group of friends right now. Is there anyone you question? Is there anyone you are sure of? Is there someone missing? How will you change that?

We all have conversations we wish we'd never had. We have let our thoughts become verbal. We set out to destroy someone. Think about that last conversation you’ve regreted. Was it worth it? Think of the last conversation that has hurt you. Why would you return the favor? To say words can never harm you is a lie. Maybe you just have refused to show it. At some point someone has said something that has made you run for a pillow to cry into. Have you ever done that to someone else?

We all have made fun of someone, whether to their face or behind their back. Sometimes we knew them, and other times we only knew what we saw. We judge people we have no right to judge and we say those things that we had no right to say. We have also all been made fun of. What did you see in them that made them any less than you? What made you see it?

We have all been fake. We have pretended to like someone we didn't, we pretended to be happy when we weren't. What are we afraid to show? What makes us create that mask and live a lie. Who in your life are you so afraid of judging you that you can't be yourself? Why did you ever let them in?

What was your last negative thought? Was it about someone or something in your life that you wish you had changed? What prevents you from changing it? What caused it to happen? What made me burn inside with hatred or anger or hurt? Why did you let it in?

What was the last positive thought you had? What was the last thing that made you smile and feel peaceful inside? Why did you let it out?

As you look back on your life, I challenge you to question your choices, your ideas, your thoughts, and those things you never did. What would you want to change and when will you? Your attitude determines your life. Maybe our lives aren’t bad, it’s our outlook.

My Mind is Flooding

My mind has been racing non-stop lately, going through things I need to think about, and things I really just don't want to.
Senior year is coming to an end, and more than anything it is just scaring me. Not even just scaring me, keeping me up at night and causing random moments where I want to breakdown and cry. I'm terrified for my future. I'm terrified for what will happen to me. Most of all, I'm terrified that somewhere in my life I made the wrong choice and I have been going down a path that I wasn't meant to go down.
I've put my future on hold at this point. Right now, it's the present that's truly bothering me. The other day in study hall, (referred to as "story hall" by my group of friends), really got my mind racing for the first time about my future in very much a "right now" sense. In 4 months, we will have a new group of three around us all the time. Our gossip will reach their ears first. They will be the shoulders we cry on first. Where does this leave the group who I have come to depend on over the years? Where do we go from here?
We have said all year long that despite the fact we will be all over the state for school, we promise to stay in touch, even if it kills us. How empty are these promises? How solid are our memories? Are they strong enough to keep us in each others' minds once we're gone? Are they deep enough to keep us linked forever as the close friends we've become? Or are we destined to just be dusty photos in an album, occasionally looked at but often forgotten?
So where do we go from here? What happens when we stop living academic lives and start living real lives? What will we do when our children and spouses define who we are, rather than what we are involved in or who we sat with a lunch? Has our school life really prepared us for real life?
I wish I knew the answers to every question my mind has been flooded with lately. For now, however, I will remain satisfied with promises. We have promised each other, in the form of a contract, (very 5th grade, right? none the less, slightly adorable), that we will call or make an effort to call once a week. We will share the types of things we used to share, from boys to music to juicy details on anything and everything. We will, because we did.
We have become friends by making an effort to open our lives to each other, and we will remain friends by doing the same.
Sure, maybe it will be rough, the real world always is, but my promises are true. I know how much these girls have impacted my lives and made me who I am today. Whether or not we remain the "story hall" girls like we are today, they will always be a part of my life because they were the ones who truly made me live.
In a typical fashion, I managed to write a song along these same lines as a gift for these girls at graduation. The chorus has a line like "even when the world seemed to fall around us, we managed to pick up the pieces together. even when our hearts were having a hard time beating, you kept me alive; you kept me breathing." It has never been more true.
I will end this blog on one last note. If anything, there is one quote I want to leave these ladies with:

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember; you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart..

I'll always be with you.”-Winnie the Pooh♥