I gave God the pen to my life earlier this year to the best of my ability after reading a book for Advanced Issues of Christian Faith. I was done with having control over my life. I was done trying to make things the way I wanted them. It just created this feeling of emptiness. This feeling that somewhere out there, God had something more waiting for me.
I started talking to God at night, having Him tell me everything I needed. After all, He knows best. And for a while, the insights I got on love were truly empowering. Almost peaceful to think about.
So, have I hit a road block, or am I still on the same path? Thinking back to these last couple of months, I keep feeling like I've once again grabbed back the pen, whether or not I knew it was happening. I keep telling myself I don't want control, then I go right ahead and take as much control as I can while still feeling like God has a say.
It was like I would take this bag of problems in my life and carry them up to God's alter, begging Him to lend me a hand. Then, instead of leaving my problems for God, who knows the solutions, I would go right ahead and carry them back out with me, as though I wasn't looking for God's help after all. So, in the end, I guess it's my fault I hit a road block.
This last week, I had strong spiritual interference in my life. I loved every second of it. It was easy knowing what to do, because I gave God the chance to just tell me without me running my mouth and coming to my own conclusions. I had people coming up to me saying they felt guided by God to talk to me. Not just one or two people; I had 9 people. 9 people pulled me aside at different times to talk to me, feeling as though they were guided by God to help me with my future and its many aspects.
Some of them talked to me about my career, all of them agreeing that I was meant to work with kids. Some of them talked to me about decisions I was going to make in my future, such as drinking, friendships, and hardships I would face about God through the people I would surely meet. But all of them talked to me about love, reassuring those things God has told me over the last couple of months. A couple even told me they had a strong feeling about this area of my life, as though God was calling them to help me with love. Most of them even suggested the same person for me to date. And I felt as though none of them had joined together to talk about us being together and then were trying to talk me in to it. I believe they truly felt moved by God to discuss this.
Once again, I ran scared. I listened, I felt, I believe what they were saying. But I made a big mistake and waited too much for God to take care of it, rather than listen to what He wanted me to do at that point. I kept saying "God will take care of it if He wants it to happen. I'll just sit and wait." Yet, at the same time, God was yelling "Do this! You need to do this!" Did I listen? No...
So now, once again, I'm handing the pen over. And if there is a way to get help about my run-away nature, I need it. I wish I could have known what God may have had in store for me. I'm just hoping He gives me one more chance to find out...
