Never in my life have I found it so hard to write out what I am feeling. In fact, just that last little sentence took some time to think up. I can't believe after all this time, after all these sleepless nights with thoughts floating around on theme, I can't come up with the words to say how I feel.
In time, I grew to love you, and then I just left you. Something I'm evidently very, very good at, because although you were the first I left behind, you haven't been the last. But you have been the only one, no matter how quick I am to let you go, that I've still held on to. Sometimes, I've only let you pass my mind briefly, pretending you were never there at all. Other times, there is no mistaking how important you are in my life.
I leave it as a thought, though, and try to continue my search for love. And time after time after time I wind up shocked at how things have turned out. I'm shocked that a guy I thought I could love wasn't right for me, so I leave him. I leave them all. I say, once again, "I'm starting over new with guys." In all reality, I'm not starting over, I'm just running away. Because starting over means you are reinventing yourself. It means you are changing who you are or what you are doing wrong to make every mistake work out, if for just one second. But I don't change. I don't do anything different. I walk in to liking a guy just as fast as I walk out of any possible relationship.
And, with every fiber of my being, I'm sorry for that. I dropped every thing we could have had for a chance to go out in to the world and see if I could find love somewhere else. Because I wanted something different. I wanted something new and exciting. I couldn't see how perfect we could have been. I left before I took a second to look.
So please, we have one more chance. One year to see where this goes. This time, I'm all in. Please, give me that chance. If I could tell you anything right now, I would want to tell you how much I miss being around you and that I would do anything to change what I did. I regret trying to find love somewhere else and letting you go, but know that all I wanted was for you to be happy, and I never thought I could do that for you. I know, I just came out of high school, what would I know about all this stuff? You were leaving this dumb old town to finally do what you wanted and make something of yourself. I was still in school, a couple of years left to go. I never wanted you to go in to your future thinking of me. If I passed your mind from time to time, that's all I really wanted. Because I never wanted you to wake up years from now hating your job and where you live because you were too afraid to try something new and hurt me.
Please. One year. That's all I'm asking. Then we can get back to deciding our futures.
