7x70

Is it possible to forgive AND forget?
I have always said that no matter what happens, I will never take some people back in to my life. I told myself I was stronger than the pain I would inevitably go through having them by my side. It was forgetting that made me afraid to forgive.
Is it really possible to forget when someone has hurt you? Even if it was possible, would it be worth it? In the end, who are we really afraid to forgive, them, or ourselves for taking them back?
I have passed this same person for years almost daily, unwilling to even make eye contact after what he had done to me. No matter how hard he tries, I can't forget, and because of it there is no way I could truly forgive him.
I used to believe that if you truly could not find it in yourself to forgive someone, it was a sign that they were not meant to be in your life. After all, I don't have the same friends I did when I was 5. Sure, separation takes a toll on friendships, but I have let many people go when I was unable to forgive them. I have moved on from that and survived my inability to forgive. So, is there a reason that there are people now that I couldn't bring myself to letting back into my life?
Is it a sign when I can't forgive and forget, or an excuse? How many people have I let leave my life because I was too afraid to put my guard down and trust them again? Maybe I don't need to forgive them, I need to forgive myself for trying so hard to keep people out.
I wonder about the people I have let go. Where they supposed to be in my life today? Can I forgive myself if they were?

my life will never be the same since you wrote your name on my paper heart...

Can over-analyzing love make your heart weaker?
I have thought about the effects of love for years. I've thought about how every successful relationship and the outcomes; I've thought about every horrible breakup and the effects. In the end, I started taking pieces of relationships to create plans on finding a true love. With every sign of something wrong, I began to question love.
They always say that your past relationships will dictate your future, but I believe it must be a solid mix of past relationships and faith. When I begin to believe that my past relationships are directly related to my present, I disregard the plans God has for my life and my trust in Him. If God is truly going to write my love story, like I said years ago, analyzing my past relationships and letting them dictate my future isn't giving Him the key to tell me what's right for my life.
I always fight against this "heart of stone" view on love that has ruled my life, but I wonder if a paper heart is any better. Is it better to have a strong heart that is very guarded, or a paper heart that beats so weakly sometimes it can't support the weight of love. How do I find a happy medium?
Is it letting go of my past relationships and letting myself start fresh in each relationship, or am I putting too much faith in a person by never questioning our future together? In the end, is there even such a thing as putting too much faith in a relationship?
When I truly love someone, my mind begins to think of all the ways they could hurt me. Is my heart made of stone, where I don't let them in, or paper, where it has been ground down to the point that it can't support love? Anymore, I see my heart as a not-so-happy medium.
So how do I take advice from my past and apply it to the faith I have for my future without giving up on love? Is there a way to give in to a relationship without giving up things I am not willing to compromise on? In the end, is there such a thing as a healthy heart?

"smile, it's the end of the world"

It's a fact of life that we face struggles on an almost daily basis. There will always be that one pillow who faces the abuse of being yelled in to. There will always be that one little gadget sitting on top of our desks that happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and is sent across the room at a difficult moment. Frustration is one of the main reasons I believe things are being made indestructible in our society.

There is nothing more frustrating than having to walk across the room after a bit of frustration to pick up the innocent items. In fact, it almost frustrates you more. Seeing the proof of your frustration, not even just in items but in the faces of people you may have lashed out at, adds inner frustration. Yet, we still seem to believe that adding on this inner frustration is a treatment to the normal frustrations of life. Wouldn't it just be easier to face frustration with a little faith?

"The end is near; so much is left to say. The world is getting cold tonight. The traumatized people are so afraid. I smile because everything's alright." ("Smile, It's the End of the World" by Hawk Nelson) Maybe they are on to something. Is it a wild idea to laugh away our troubles, or something we should all become brave enough to do? In the face of disaster, should we be traumatized and afraid, or smiling with the faith that things will work out?

The best cure to frustration is to open the Bible to a favorite passage and read it aloud with a smile on your face, whether or not that smile begins sincere. By the time you finish reading, the smile will have become sincere and the words of whatever verse you are reading start ringing true. It is hard to remain frustrated with a smile on your face. Instead, you are calm and collected, and frustrations pass. Sometimes, it's better to laugh in the face on danger than to fight if off upset.

I can't fly anymore. I can't escape. Peter Pan, sorry, I've lost my youth; you can't take me away...

Driving through town at night, watching the lights splash against the water on the road would fascinate me as a child. I would get lost in the idea that one day, spotlights would dance off of my skin just like the city lights reflecting off the concrete in this small town. I would look up at the stars, pretending I could see constellations, whether or not they were really there. Reality didn't matter.
How many times do I drive myself home by those same city lights and never notice them? I am so concerned with what's ahead, whether I am driving home to see family or driving to school for a night with friends. I never notice the lights. Is it that I have outgrown my dreams, or I just never pay attention to them anymore? Why do I feel like it is a waste of my time to dream about the spotlight rather than a family and a white-picket fence? When did dreams about the future become universalized?
Anymore, when someone asks you what you plan to do with your life, they expect an answer that somehow involves an office job, a dog, 2.5 smiling kids, and some sort of detailed 10 year plan? Whatever happened to following your dreams? Is it so hard to believe in the spotlight as your future?
My mind has been racing past my dreams and in to my future, a typical situation for someone my age to be involved in. What we never stop to think about is why we separate our dreams and our life plans. Why did we ever separate the two to begin with?
I remember children's book encouraging you to follow your dreams, with pictures of astronauts and firemen. In today's society, why do we even make children believe they have options? Why do we make them believe you can chase your dreams instead of chasing money? That's not the American way...

I'm captivated, baby, just like a firework show...

Am I so caught up in believing that I can't find a good guy that I trick my mind, or is there really something wrong with every guy I give my heart to?
I always feel like guys are against me. I feel like there is something about me that turns them away. I used to think that it was the way I look or how I like staying in my sweats until the last possible minute before leaving the house. I thought there was something universally unattractive about me. I felt like all guys could see something about me, so I began pointing to the mirror. For every thing about myself I tour apart, I added one more brick to the wall I put up. I became an anti-love activist.
Now I'm beginning to wonder, is it that guys see something unattractive in the way I look, or has my cynicism towards love started seeping in to the ones around me? Maybe I have made myself unlovable.
I think there is not such thing as someone like me being truly in love, no matter how much I fall for a guy. I always end up deciding to let them go, thinking they will come back to me if they love me, too. Now I wonder, did I ever let them in to love me in the first place before I let them go? "If you love someone, let them go" may not work if in the back of their mind they wonder if you will ever welcome them in.
Maybe men talk themselves out of a relationship with me because they know I will talk myself out of them...
This is why I know this is the guy for me, although I've said that many times before. He never totally left me over the years. He has always been by my side. He has held me when I needed to cry and been the first one to crack a joke every time we're together. There is something so innocently simple about this. After years of being friends, he is still the only guy I have liked that I haven't talked myself out of. I wonder if I'm not meant to give up on this one. I wonder if I'm not meant to let him go...