Am I so caught up in believing that I can't find a good guy that I trick my mind, or is there really something wrong with every guy I give my heart to?
I always feel like guys are against me. I feel like there is something about me that turns them away. I used to think that it was the way I look or how I like staying in my sweats until the last possible minute before leaving the house. I thought there was something universally unattractive about me. I felt like all guys could see something about me, so I began pointing to the mirror. For every thing about myself I tour apart, I added one more brick to the wall I put up. I became an anti-love activist.
Now I'm beginning to wonder, is it that guys see something unattractive in the way I look, or has my cynicism towards love started seeping in to the ones around me? Maybe I have made myself unlovable.
I think there is not such thing as someone like me being truly in love, no matter how much I fall for a guy. I always end up deciding to let them go, thinking they will come back to me if they love me, too. Now I wonder, did I ever let them in to love me in the first place before I let them go? "If you love someone, let them go" may not work if in the back of their mind they wonder if you will ever welcome them in.
Maybe men talk themselves out of a relationship with me because they know I will talk myself out of them...
This is why I know this is the guy for me, although I've said that many times before. He never totally left me over the years. He has always been by my side. He has held me when I needed to cry and been the first one to crack a joke every time we're together. There is something so innocently simple about this. After years of being friends, he is still the only guy I have liked that I haven't talked myself out of. I wonder if I'm not meant to give up on this one. I wonder if I'm not meant to let him go...
