if love is an ocean wide, why do we swim in the tears we cry?

How much of an impact have I made in the world? Is it enough for someone to notice if I don't show up to class tomorrow? Is it enough that someone I haven't talked to in years would miss me? Is it enough for someone to call my phone checking to see if I'm ok?
I would hope the answer to these questions would be yes, but what about those few no's in my life? What about those few people I have wronged over the years? Or those few people who left my life on a bad note? No matter how it ended, would they think of the impact I made in their life, and miss me anyway?
What about those people who walk by me every day or sit by me in class that I've paid no attention to? Would I even notice if they were gone? What kind of impact have I had on their lives if I never even say "hello?" When they think about if I would notice if they were gone, do they just assume the answer is no?
There are so many people I know who don't know the impact they've had in my life. There have been times when I've only had one friend, but they've stuck by my side. There have been people who stop to pick up something I've dropped on that one day when I felt like no one cared. And I remember it... I remember those smiles when someone passes by. Those times when someone greets you with a "good morning" when they pass, letting you know they know you're there. And I think "I wonder if they know they took away that loneliness" or "I wonder if they know that I appreciate their acknowledgment" or even "I've had a shitty day, and that really let me know someone cares."
I think everyone has made an impact in someones' life, even if they don't realize it. I don't know if the person who sits behind me in class would notice if I'm not there, but I would sure hope they would. Regardless, I will let them know I would notice them...

I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo... I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul...

It's not a trick question. It has never been a trick question. If you had to answer "do you love yourself," would you say yes or no?
We all want to believe we love ourselves. It is easy to say "I love my hair" or "I love my singing voice." ,but you never answer the question. Do you love yourself?
I know, it is confusing. "Music is a part of me. My hair is a part of me." But they're all just parts. Do you love the whole picture?
I know for me, the answer has been no more than it has been yes. Because when I look in the mirror, I see tons of freckles and fat. I see someone who is short, with occasional fly-aways throughout her hair, and curves that are only appropriate for the movie "precious."
I see someone who has never fallen in love or even had anyone to fall in love with. I see someone who has never been liked romantically, and then I begin to look at myself and count all the reasons why. I see someone who judges herself and assumes everyone is judging those same things. I see someone setting themselves up for failure.
Lately, I've been pouring my heart out on paper for God knows who... and I can't even bring myself to show it to anyone. I don't even know who I'm writing for, but I assume they will judge it all the same... So I tear up these sheets filled with my innermost thoughts and secrets, afraid that if anyone would see them it would add another thing to the list of things people will judge me for. In all reality, I'm tearing up myself and throwing it in that basket.
Everything I've ever said, been, thought, felt, been close to, hated, adored, cherished, cried over, everything is me. And all those little times I've torn something up in the mirror, or on paper, I've torn it up inside and thrown it away.
Do you love yourself? For me, maybe not just yet. But I'm on my way...


"But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.. I don't care if it hurts. I want to have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul..."

no more hiding who I'm supposed to be...this is me

Have you ever just stood in front of a mirror, looked yourself dead in the eyes, and told yourself you were starting over with everything?
I had been a person that I didn't feel comfortable with. It wasn't that I was making bad choices. To be honest, I've made really good choices throughout my life. I just haven't been me. I don't like what I have been looking at in the mirror lately.
I've been looking at someone who is very prim and proper, with perfect grammar and etiquette, who is really fake. I never wear t-shirts unless I'm sick, I always have on nice outfits, and my hair in makeup both need to be how I want it, or I won't leave the house. But that's not who I really am.
Sometimes, I feel that the only way I can get the confidence I want is to wear the nice clothes and look nice. I'm not the prettiest girl in the world, but having on an outfit that will get me complimented helps me ignore that for a while. I am overly nice to everyone to make sure I have people on my side, not making fun of me behind my back. Every part of me is the way it is because I am terrified of what people will say about me if I'm not "perfect."
But, I don't think that's what God wants from me. He made me the way He did for a reason. I still have so much to learn about myself to make that adjustment, but I think God has a greater plan for me than fitting in to what society wants...

when is forever going to stop being defined by you?

I've always heard to listen to your gut instinct, but I'm starting to think mine has no common sense. However, it has a really good sense of humor...
Can my life stop being filled with strange twists or weird coincidences for one day? Just one? I'm not really asking for much! Just a simple "oh, hey! you have a normal life!" feeling.
Last night I was sitting with a bunch of friends talking about where I saw myself after graduation. I was talking about how I saw myself teaching and married. I was even talking about how there was someone who has been in my life for a while that I could really see myself marrying because he's THAT perfect for me. Then, I went to bed...
Usually I ignore the content of my dreams as weird and nothing more. I mean, how am I supposed to take a nightmare about Cruella De'Ville seriously? My dream last night broke that mindset, though.
Have you ever had a dream where you were in love with someone you knew and it was so eerily realistic you could feel butterflies in your stomach while dreaming? When you woke up, you blushed out of that little girl giddiness we all experience at some point? That happened to me, but with someone I swore I would never think about again.
I dreamed that suddenly when I walked in my house, he was there. He was looking at me like he always used to and I instantly hugged him, ignoring our past, and had those same butterflies in my stomach I had always had.
Throughout the day, no matter how hard I tried to get those stupid little butterflies to stop messing with me, I could still feel them in my stomach. So what's right, my mind or my gut instinct?