eternally optimistic

How much does it pay to be the eternal optimist? Is there a positive to seeing the positives?
In a world so full of instant gratification, why do we allow ourselves to get caught up on little things, such as a bad grade or even a bad romance? Why are we so prone to "on-again, off-again" relationships even after being raised on the idea that there are more fish in the sea and more frogs to kiss before finding a prince?
If love is blind, why do we have a "type"?
I start to wonder is my "optimistic" personality is just pessimism in disguise. I feel optimistic about someone, even through the worst of relationships, and I keep giving them chances to change. I wonder how many great opportunities and people I have let go for the sake of getting back in to a drama-filled relationship. Am I really optimistic about this person, or am I pessimistic when it comes to believing any other love is out there for me?
I believe there are plenty of frogs out there left for me to kiss before I find a prince; not everyone gets to have a Cory and Topanga romance. But how many frogs do I even give a chance to if they're "not my type?" Am I being optimistic in that I believe a perfect guy is out there for me, or do I shoot them down before I ever even consider the possibility of love?
In the end, how pessimistic is optimism?

confessions...

I am completely and totally in love with a guy who doesn't know I exist. The only reason I ever fell for him was because he was always there and I gave up on every other person I ever had feelings for. I even went to the same school as an old love just for one more year to change his mind, which I didn't do because I never had the nerve to talk to him and work things out.
I pretend to be an eternal optimist, when in reality I'm about as pessimistic as they come. I don't believe in love. I don't believe that friendships can truly last a lifetime, past all of the life choices that are bound to change you. I don't believe any one like me can ever be loved and I don't believe that men are ever truly capable of loving anyone in the first place.
I don't believe there is such a thing as a genuinely happy relationship. I don't believe that everything happens for a reason and that you'll be happy it happened one day. I don't believe that the terrible things that happen in this world can be overcome.
There is no reason for this post. There is no rhyme or reason to why I decided to share these thoughts with other people. I just feel like there is no way to explain why I think the way I do without explaining what it is I'm thinking in the first place.

Leave the pieces when you go...

They say that all the mistakes that come with being in love our worth making because love changes us in to the person we were meant to be. But how much of ourselves are we leaving behind in search of mister right? Can trying to be the eternal optimist lead to pessimism? Is love ever entirely worth it?
As I was sitting reading the happy ads this week, I couldn't help but feel entirely unhappy. I don't want to say that I wasn't glad that these people had found someone to spend the rest of their lives with, but at the same time it was just a jab in my side reminding me that I was alone. If you ever want to be reminded that you're single, read the happy ads.
However, I kept telling myself that as the eternal optimist for love, there was someone out there for me. In the mean time, I would sulk about my loneliness. Sure, sulking subsided at times; those times being any time I met the acquaintance of a man who had not done jail time- after all they could be a potential match. As soon as I convinced myself this person was a potential candidate in the love field, something would spring up and I would realize that I'm meant to be alone right now. I'd tell myself I'd have to kiss a few frogs before I find my prince. And thus, the vicious cycle begins again.
Meanwhile, I'm surrounded by people falling in love all around me. Maybe I was coming across to desperate? Maybe I was coming across to guarded? I would change myself daily to fit my mindset about how I was being perceived. Maybe my issue wasn't how I was being perceived, but how I was perceiving others. While my mind flooded with thoughts of insecurities about love, I lost myself, thinking that those around me were only there to judge me, not love me.
So can it be that the eternal optimist doubles as the eternal pessimist? Can someone like me fall in love? Am I ready to stop changing myself long enough to open myself up to love and the changes that come with that? Am I missing opportunities trying to find them?

I'm here without you, but you're still on my lonely mind...

On a lonely Thursday night, I'm left wondering, "Is it possible for love to survive any distance?"
As the weeks go by into this school year, pessimism sets in about relationships...especially long-distance relationships. You hear people crying over relationships ended due to "distance" and the "complications those distances bring." I wonder if we are able to define on our own whether or not a relationship is built to last until we try it.
Sometimes, you get a gut feeling about someone, and from experience, usually those gut feelings are right. But I wonder, can gut feelings be persuaded by fear? Are even our gut feelings over-analyzed?
Sometimes I question how much of our own fate we play a role in. Is it possible for fate to be interrupted by fear and personal desires? Is the end result still fate after all?
For instance, the fear of a long distance relationship can overpower feelings of love without the ability to talk things through with the other person. Was that relationship built to fail, or did we just give up? Was walking away from the relationship the right thing for us, or the right thing to shut down all of our fears?
I refuse to be pessimistic about love and distance this year. I refuse to be just another victim of fear.

I think I'd miss you... even if we had never met...

Have you ever just looked at someone and said "that's the person I'm going to marry one day?" Ok, maybe not, because you're not a complete creep like me, but I just have this gut feeling like I finally found someone meant to last a while, and for once, I'm not afraid with those thoughts. I feel like it is meant to work at between us, and it's a calming feeling. I think I've found what's right for me. For once, I think I've found what's right for me.

silence is golden

I don't know what it is, but I've suddenly lost any sort of drive towards sharing my life and thoughts with other people.
However, for the sake of my writings being a record of my thoughts and feelings throughout my life, I thought I'd try and say something to sum up this last month.
I'm not sure why, but I suddenly started feeling like I wasn't really sure about my religion. I know I believe in God and that Jesus Christ saved us from our sins, but something wasn't totally there for me.
I had a child at church camp ask me about God and why I believed in Him. When I said that I had always believed in His love for me, she continued to ask me why, and I realized that I didn't really know. There is nothing more terrifying that realizing that what you thought you believed was unsure, and I've really been battling with those feelings lately.
My thoughts always seem to focus around something negative before I tell myself why it's wrong to think that way. But I wonder if I tell myself to change my ways just to because I feel obligated to as a christian, rather than because I truly feel it's the right thing to do.
This has been circling my mind for the past month, and I'm not sure I can offer any deep insights on it. I'm just worried about what sorts of battles with my faith may come from this...

all I've been thinking is you...

All I want is a guy that looks like Gregory Peck, acts like Humphrey Bogart, and dances like Gene Kelly. Is that too much to ask?

just so you know, this feeling's taking control of me

I recently heard a poem about a man who would rather lose every one of his life accomplishments to get back one more spring. He regretted letting each flower bloom without caring. In his last moments, he can't help but think about how he wished he had one more chance to see everything in the world one more time. I already have these feelings, and it's killing me.
I can't help thinking of how many times I was quiet when I wanted to speak, shy when I wanted to be outgoing, and how many times I pretended I didn't want to fall in love when I really did.
I wish I had spoken to my family about how I truly felt about them before I had to say it to a coffin. I wish I had talked to people openly and given myself to a relationship whole-heartedly. I wish I had fallen in love when I had the chance.
I have grown to think that falling in love many times is better than never falling in love at all. However, thinking and believing are two different things.
I have realized that to truly let yourself fall in love, your heart in your head have to be connected. While they are connected, you also have to ignore them both. To truly fall in love, you must never let your mind outweigh your heart, your heart outweigh your mind, and both overpower you ability to believe in love.
If I had given myself over to love, I'm sure my heart and mind would have both told me what to do. I tried to let just one dictate my relationships, and they ultimately failed.
Now that both my heart and mind are on the same page, I recognize my need to say what I want to say and say it while I still can. I have cheated myself out of love. I can't do it again. Not this time.




"Just so you know, this feeling's taking control of me and I can't help it. I won't sit around...Thought you should know I've tried my best to let go of you, but I don't want to. I just gotta say it all before I go...Just so you know"

I'm just a string on his guitar...waiting for a song that he can't play

I wish I could do more than just believe what I write. Every day, I wish I was brave enough to live it. I wish I could be brave enough to show that I'm confident in myself, even though I don't have the perfect body. I wish I could approach my future in a positive way. Most of all, I wish I could learn to move on from failed relationships and heartbreaks and really use them as a learning experience. I wish I could forgive and forget like I want to.
There are some people I haven't been able to let go of, not matter how deadly they are to my life. There are some people I think about every day, no matter how much I need to move on. I cry over them. I lose sleep over them. No matter what the saying says, there are some people who are in your mind that don't deserve to be in your life. I truly believe that with all of my heart. Some people may be in your mind for a reason, but it is only to haunt you.
I wait for the day that they will realize what they lost. It's that last piece of closure, no matter how egotistical it seems. Every day, I think about if it will be the day that they will be miserable without me. I have been hurt by love, and so I ruin my love life more by waiting for people to want to love me.
I wish I could tell every person who is haunting my mind what I truly feel about them, but I know I never will. I'll haunt myself with a fear of confrontation while they haunt my love life.

7x70

Is it possible to forgive AND forget?
I have always said that no matter what happens, I will never take some people back in to my life. I told myself I was stronger than the pain I would inevitably go through having them by my side. It was forgetting that made me afraid to forgive.
Is it really possible to forget when someone has hurt you? Even if it was possible, would it be worth it? In the end, who are we really afraid to forgive, them, or ourselves for taking them back?
I have passed this same person for years almost daily, unwilling to even make eye contact after what he had done to me. No matter how hard he tries, I can't forget, and because of it there is no way I could truly forgive him.
I used to believe that if you truly could not find it in yourself to forgive someone, it was a sign that they were not meant to be in your life. After all, I don't have the same friends I did when I was 5. Sure, separation takes a toll on friendships, but I have let many people go when I was unable to forgive them. I have moved on from that and survived my inability to forgive. So, is there a reason that there are people now that I couldn't bring myself to letting back into my life?
Is it a sign when I can't forgive and forget, or an excuse? How many people have I let leave my life because I was too afraid to put my guard down and trust them again? Maybe I don't need to forgive them, I need to forgive myself for trying so hard to keep people out.
I wonder about the people I have let go. Where they supposed to be in my life today? Can I forgive myself if they were?

my life will never be the same since you wrote your name on my paper heart...

Can over-analyzing love make your heart weaker?
I have thought about the effects of love for years. I've thought about how every successful relationship and the outcomes; I've thought about every horrible breakup and the effects. In the end, I started taking pieces of relationships to create plans on finding a true love. With every sign of something wrong, I began to question love.
They always say that your past relationships will dictate your future, but I believe it must be a solid mix of past relationships and faith. When I begin to believe that my past relationships are directly related to my present, I disregard the plans God has for my life and my trust in Him. If God is truly going to write my love story, like I said years ago, analyzing my past relationships and letting them dictate my future isn't giving Him the key to tell me what's right for my life.
I always fight against this "heart of stone" view on love that has ruled my life, but I wonder if a paper heart is any better. Is it better to have a strong heart that is very guarded, or a paper heart that beats so weakly sometimes it can't support the weight of love. How do I find a happy medium?
Is it letting go of my past relationships and letting myself start fresh in each relationship, or am I putting too much faith in a person by never questioning our future together? In the end, is there even such a thing as putting too much faith in a relationship?
When I truly love someone, my mind begins to think of all the ways they could hurt me. Is my heart made of stone, where I don't let them in, or paper, where it has been ground down to the point that it can't support love? Anymore, I see my heart as a not-so-happy medium.
So how do I take advice from my past and apply it to the faith I have for my future without giving up on love? Is there a way to give in to a relationship without giving up things I am not willing to compromise on? In the end, is there such a thing as a healthy heart?

"smile, it's the end of the world"

It's a fact of life that we face struggles on an almost daily basis. There will always be that one pillow who faces the abuse of being yelled in to. There will always be that one little gadget sitting on top of our desks that happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and is sent across the room at a difficult moment. Frustration is one of the main reasons I believe things are being made indestructible in our society.

There is nothing more frustrating than having to walk across the room after a bit of frustration to pick up the innocent items. In fact, it almost frustrates you more. Seeing the proof of your frustration, not even just in items but in the faces of people you may have lashed out at, adds inner frustration. Yet, we still seem to believe that adding on this inner frustration is a treatment to the normal frustrations of life. Wouldn't it just be easier to face frustration with a little faith?

"The end is near; so much is left to say. The world is getting cold tonight. The traumatized people are so afraid. I smile because everything's alright." ("Smile, It's the End of the World" by Hawk Nelson) Maybe they are on to something. Is it a wild idea to laugh away our troubles, or something we should all become brave enough to do? In the face of disaster, should we be traumatized and afraid, or smiling with the faith that things will work out?

The best cure to frustration is to open the Bible to a favorite passage and read it aloud with a smile on your face, whether or not that smile begins sincere. By the time you finish reading, the smile will have become sincere and the words of whatever verse you are reading start ringing true. It is hard to remain frustrated with a smile on your face. Instead, you are calm and collected, and frustrations pass. Sometimes, it's better to laugh in the face on danger than to fight if off upset.

I can't fly anymore. I can't escape. Peter Pan, sorry, I've lost my youth; you can't take me away...

Driving through town at night, watching the lights splash against the water on the road would fascinate me as a child. I would get lost in the idea that one day, spotlights would dance off of my skin just like the city lights reflecting off the concrete in this small town. I would look up at the stars, pretending I could see constellations, whether or not they were really there. Reality didn't matter.
How many times do I drive myself home by those same city lights and never notice them? I am so concerned with what's ahead, whether I am driving home to see family or driving to school for a night with friends. I never notice the lights. Is it that I have outgrown my dreams, or I just never pay attention to them anymore? Why do I feel like it is a waste of my time to dream about the spotlight rather than a family and a white-picket fence? When did dreams about the future become universalized?
Anymore, when someone asks you what you plan to do with your life, they expect an answer that somehow involves an office job, a dog, 2.5 smiling kids, and some sort of detailed 10 year plan? Whatever happened to following your dreams? Is it so hard to believe in the spotlight as your future?
My mind has been racing past my dreams and in to my future, a typical situation for someone my age to be involved in. What we never stop to think about is why we separate our dreams and our life plans. Why did we ever separate the two to begin with?
I remember children's book encouraging you to follow your dreams, with pictures of astronauts and firemen. In today's society, why do we even make children believe they have options? Why do we make them believe you can chase your dreams instead of chasing money? That's not the American way...

I'm captivated, baby, just like a firework show...

Am I so caught up in believing that I can't find a good guy that I trick my mind, or is there really something wrong with every guy I give my heart to?
I always feel like guys are against me. I feel like there is something about me that turns them away. I used to think that it was the way I look or how I like staying in my sweats until the last possible minute before leaving the house. I thought there was something universally unattractive about me. I felt like all guys could see something about me, so I began pointing to the mirror. For every thing about myself I tour apart, I added one more brick to the wall I put up. I became an anti-love activist.
Now I'm beginning to wonder, is it that guys see something unattractive in the way I look, or has my cynicism towards love started seeping in to the ones around me? Maybe I have made myself unlovable.
I think there is not such thing as someone like me being truly in love, no matter how much I fall for a guy. I always end up deciding to let them go, thinking they will come back to me if they love me, too. Now I wonder, did I ever let them in to love me in the first place before I let them go? "If you love someone, let them go" may not work if in the back of their mind they wonder if you will ever welcome them in.
Maybe men talk themselves out of a relationship with me because they know I will talk myself out of them...
This is why I know this is the guy for me, although I've said that many times before. He never totally left me over the years. He has always been by my side. He has held me when I needed to cry and been the first one to crack a joke every time we're together. There is something so innocently simple about this. After years of being friends, he is still the only guy I have liked that I haven't talked myself out of. I wonder if I'm not meant to give up on this one. I wonder if I'm not meant to let him go...

there's no other underneath my cover, but thoughts of you keep me warm...

There's nothing more heartbreaking that true love. It hurts, it bleeds, it spreads through your whole body in a way that forever changes you.
I truly adore someone so much, I have tried everything to get just one step closer to them every day. The distance is killing me.
Every day, when he goes on living his life without me, it kills me a little more inside. No matter how much I love him and no matter how much I want to just hold him close, in the back of my mind I know he can still make it through the day without me, no matter how much he wants me, too. I sleep with a pillow next to me, clinging on to it like he was here. I fall asleep only because I dream that I am one day closer to seeing you again. I refuse to dream dreams without you in them; I can't keep myself from thinking about you all the time.
I can't wait to see you again. I'm tired of being apart.

mirror, mirror on the wall...

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the prettiest one of all?
I've always wondered if the mirror sees what we see in its reflection. Maybe, even in a mirror, beauty is more than just skin deep.
Sometimes you don't realize you wear on big mask until you are told to shed it.
"One day without makeup, hair products, and nice clothes, in honor of rape victims." Even with such a great cause attached to it, I couldn't do it. I wore my makeup lightly, my hair was flat ironed, but didn't look special, and I wore my favorite jeans with a plain top in my sense of the word. I still wanted to give a polished first impression.
The message from this event: women can be beautiful in many different ways. I wish they had included in that description how many of those ways truly came from the inside.
In the mirror, I could only see some light mascara, a little blush, plain looking hair and clothing, but I still stressed over it. In the end, I still put on a mask.
Changing the shape of a mask, the color of a mask, how much glitter or ribbon you add to a mask, doesn't change the fact that it's still a mask.
Does the mirror see what's hidden underneath my mask? Does the world see? Would I be beautiful?

I wish my life could be the way it was before I saw your face...undo it...

Gambling: you walk away worse than you started. After all, the house always wins.
So, who has the winning hand when you're gambling with love? Is risking all of your chips worth walking away with what you will get in the end?
I have been debating weather taking a chance is worth losing what I already have. Do I take the safe route and leave when I'm breaking even, or do I throw all of my chips on the table and pray that the risk was worth it? Would I be happy with what I walked in with, or would I be happier with nothing at all?
I've risked a lot just trying to find love. Finally, I rolled enough 7's to find a place where was comfortable. But, is being comfortable what I even entered the game for? Is being comfortable the same as taking no risks?
I have risked so much for just one roll of the dice in my love life. I have bet it all on this one guy for years, not allowing myself to walk away from the table until I win this one hand.
Sometimes, I feel like I will never break even. Sometimes, I wish I had never entered this game to begin with. Nothing I will walk away with will be worth all the dice I have rolled. Then again, the game isn't over yet.

the safety zone...

At what point does safe=boring in a relationship?
I'm getting won over by one guy's charm while loving another's resume. Is it bad to be attracted to something safe? What will I be left with when the charming one finds someone else to win over? Will I be left with something boring, something safe, or something I'm not happy with?

there's nothing more dangerous that a boy with charm...

Bite my lip, bat my eyes, and get weak in the knees- this boy has got me so caught up!
I don't know what it is. For each time I talk myself out of feeling anything for him, he gives me another little reason to like him again. A lot of boys can catch my attention, but very few can make me smile and blush just thinking about them.
I'm a sucker for boys with charm, like every other girl in America. That guy who is mysterious, yet approachable melts my heart every time. There is nothing sexier than a guy who continues to surprise you.
I think it's that element of surprise that keeps me so caught up in him. Just when I peg him as being serious, he makes me laugh, and just when I think he's just a funny guy, he shows me a whole other side to him. The fact that chivalry isn't dead with him is an added bonus ;)
So far, I'm alright with being charmed if things stay like this.

untouchable like a distant diamond sky...

It's a wonderful thing to find love, but the most heart-wrenching thing is to find that love hasn't found you.
It's a commitment that can tear you apart- finding someone you love who doesn't think of you in the same way. No matter what you do, you can't help but find flaws in yourself that maybe somehow add up to a failed relationship. You question the sound of your laugh, every fleck of color in your eyes; maybe they see something you don't. Maybe they see just how messed up you are. So you look in the mirror and you look at your thoughts and conversations and any little thing that makes you less than perfect.
I wouldn't know how to answer the question "have you ever been in love" if someone asked me that right now. Part of me says I have found love, but being in love is more than just finding love. Being in love is love finding you.
It's a horrible feeling, being in love with someone who may never love you back. Yet, even through the day-to-day pain, a part of you still believes it will work out. You sit, you wait, you wish, you pray. In the back of your mind, you still think "maybe today," no matter how many times "today" hasn't been the day. It's that little thought you have when you wake up in the morning that tells you to wear your favorite dress or your best shoes, just in case today is the day he notices. Just in case he ever notices.
Every now and then, you catch yourself pouring your heart out to the brightest star in the sky, wondering if maybe that will do the trick and love will find you after all. You just want for one day to feel like you're not left to just hoping love will happen for you. For one day, you want to be able to say you're in love.
It's that wish on a shooting star or your birthday candles that you chant day after day, year after year, until it haunts you- "I wish that I can find true love." Sometimes, I think my wish has come true over and over again, and that I've forgotten what I have really wished for. Maybe I have found love, but love hasn't found me back.

forget the year of the rabbit- this is the year of the bitch!!!

I said 2011 was going to be the year I become a bitch, and as of right now, I'm really holding up to that.
I have continued to go out of my way being nice to people and doing what it takes to please them, and I' sick of it. I'm sick of being walked all over. I'm sick of people not asking me how I feel. I'm sick of people having to apologize for being rude, even when I'm not the one who brings it up, because they didn't take in to consideration that I am here and I have an opinion. I am sick and tired of all of this.
So, I decide to let out some of my concerns in as tactful of a way as possible to these people. I wrote a letter to a few of them, expressing my concerns and drawing up solutions to these problems. I did nothing but talk about how I really enjoy these people, but I was tired of my opinions and beliefs never being put into play. What do I get back? People mad at me, people turning things back on me, saying I need to get a backbone and that's why they do all these things, and in the end, no solution to a single problem. In the end they still wonder why I don't stick up for myself. If this is how I'm going to be treated when I express my opinions, it gives me a solid reason to never express them.
So screw being tactful. Screw being pleasing. This is the year of the bitch, and if you want to get defensive, go ahead, but I refuse to let anyone else walk all over me again...

Blurring The Lines

Sometimes you have to question if things mean as much to you as you think they do. It's so easy to walk away from things, but it's hard to walk away from yourself.
Even the smallest of your priorities make up who you are in some way. What you make important in your life and what you are willing to walk away from, even for just one day, create this whole image of who you are as a person.
If you think first impressions are purely physical, you are wrong. What people think of you goes beyond what clothes you have, what car you drive, and what house you live in. To give a good first impression, you must look at yourself on a deeper level. Beauty is only skin deep; a bad attitude rots to your core.
If you are willing to walk away from something important to you, it was never important to you to begin with. People may judge a book by it's cover, but others can read you like a book. Beauty that is inside and out is prettier than anything from Guicci.

change

Would you cut your hair for what you want? Change you shoes? Change your makeup? Change the way you walk and talk? Change the way you smile? Change how much you weigh, how tan your skin is, or who you are friends with? How far would you go for what you want?

I know I want this badly, but it's not happening for the person I am right now. Now I have to decide if it is worth some changes...

Secondhand Christian

God is good all the time. How do we know?
"Oh, the Bible says so!" one meek Christian will shout out from the corner somewhere. "It says so in the Bible!"
There are two types of believers- firsthand believers who have tasted and truly felt the power of the Lord daily, and there are secondhand believers, who believe what they believe... and you wonder if they know why. In your life, do you feel like you are a firsthand or secondhand believer?
Many people would answer that question as being a firsthand believer, because they have felt the power of the Lord in their lives. However, believing means more than that. Believing is more.
Is God really good all the time to you? Or was God good during that first taste? Or maybe every few tastes of his glory? Once you get a taste for all God has in store for you, are you satisfied for a while, or do you crave more? Is believing more for you?
This is what separates firsthand and secondhand Christians. Is God really good all the time to you, or does the rest of the world take the spotlight? Are there times when you would rather watch TV until you fall asleep at night, or do you really spend that time praying to God? Maybe you do make God your focus every now and then, but if it is not more than that, you are satisfied with just a taste. You don't crave it as badly as you believe you do.
If you truly believe God is good all the time, "the Bible tells me so" would not be your first answer to questions about your faith, even if it is a response you use. If you truly believe God is good all the time, you would talk about why every moment of your day deserves to be focused on God. Those reasons would answer your question.
Do you want a taste for a moment, or for a lifetime? Are you a firsthand or secondhand believer?

The "One Thing" Game

Venting. It's that crazy thing we all do to make it seem like something, anything, in our lives is important.
Our rant-fueled moments seem so simple; if I peek you interest once with this topic, I'm sure talking about it over and over and over again will still interest you. Anymore, girls can just say "you have to hear about the last guy thing" and everyone instantly knows who and what you are talking about. If that has happened to you, you are venting.
It's called the "One Thing" game. You talk the hell out of one topic until you can't stand to talk about it anymore. The guy, the job, the diet- you throw out a topic, wait for a response from those around you, and whether or not that One Thing was successful determines how much you are willing to play this glorious conversational hand you have been dealt.
So it begins. "Hey, did I tell you what the boy did for me?," "So, I've got an update on the diet," translation: "hey, let me beat this horse some more."
How do you prevent venting? Lose your friends or come up with something new to talk about. Either way, you'll be playing the "One Thing" game for even just a little while.

Seasons and Years

"You need to know when someone is meant to be there for a season and when someone is meant to be there for a year." That simple statement is the best and worst advice I have ever gotten.
I feel like anymore I have put too many expectations on love. After all, it is all I have been able to talk about for a while. The more I analyze love in my life, the more I question it. I begin to look for little signs in people that they might be the one, and they either fall short or sweep me off my feet. Either way, I wonder if I'm getting their roles in my life right.
There is a difference between someone who is meant to be there for a season and someone who is meant to be there for a lifetime, and anymore I have begun to notice myself getting them painfully confused. In a season, the person teaches you something you either didn't know about the world or you didn't know about yourself. You are changed in a great way. It may even be years of little things that change who you are. All these little things will come to an end, and expectations meant to last a lifetime are too much. You have changed in the season, and that is all that was meant for you.
However, a relationship for a lifetime is one that continues to change you in many ways. For years you continue to grow and learn about the world and yourself. That person is not going anywhere in your life because they are not meant to.
How do we tell when a season is just a season? Is there a way to tell if it is meant for a lifetime, or we are trying to make it last too long?
In a season, we learn something new. We don't learn new things. We learn something. However, when all these little pieces begin to build up at times to create this one moment of learning, it's easy to think we are changing in many ways. How can we tell the difference between a change that will last a lifetime and a relationship that will last a lifetime?
People have been feeding me lists of information about true love. They tell me that you'll know when you experience certain situations together and you experience these little signs. Everything they said was situational. Everything they said told me that what you feel was dependent on the moment- a little piece of time, which is much like a season. Were they right, or am I seeing mistakes in relationships as a whole?
Every now and then I begin to question my "gut reasoning." I tend to rely on instincts more than knowledge. I don't notice that a guy helping me clean could mean he will be an equal partner later in life, which is a clue many women tell me to look for. I don't think about a guy being a good father because he has the ability to take care of a pet. I know in ways that people doubt. In the end, if I still get butterflies in my stomach when they call or put their arms around me and I blush just hearing their name that they mean something to me. I know that they will always mean something to me, even if it only lasts for a season. I think that's more than a checklist.
Maybe I'll never be able to crack the code and figure out how long someone will last in my life physically, but I know that even just for a season I have built a lifelong connection. I wonder if seasons vs. years is advice I shouldn't listen to, or if it's just advice I'm not willing to listen to. Only my love life will be able to paint an answer.

I'm giving my life to the only one who makes the moon reflect the sun every starry night...

When I pray at night, I look up to the stars. I've always been told God was in the sky, listening to your nightly prayers.
I've tried to see where God might be in the sky. I've looked for the fluffiest cloud. I've looked at the clouds with visible rays of light shining from them. I've looked for the brightest star in the sky. My eyes continually wander around the sky, trying to find the most beautiful spot for God to be.
Then I realized, maybe at those times when I'm looking for the brightest stars, God is sitting next to me, looking at the sky, making those stars shine.

Speak louder than the words before you and give them meaning no one else has found...

Have you ever found yourself trying to come up with something inspirational to pull you out of the funk you're in? Maybe it's a sentence that you believe will give you hope or a prayer you find yourself praying in tough times, but no matter what it is, somehow it gives you hope, if just for a second or two.
Why is it so easy to find these little things that will give us hope when we really search for it, but some obstacles we face in our lives make us feel like we hit a brick wall and there is no way around it? Is it that some things cannot be cured with a little hope, or we just haven't looked for it yet?
I started examining the "brick walls" in my life to see why they make me lose hope. As I began looking a the big things in life that stress me out versus the little worries sprinkled in my day, I began to see that maybe it is the size of the brick wall that determines the amount of hope we can still have. Sure, it is easy to believe you can make it over a brick wall when it is two feet high, but when it is eight or nine feet tall we no longer consider climbing over the wall, overcoming it, to even be an option. We try to find side routes. We look for little detours we can take. We've lost that hope that overcoming it is still an option.
Shouldn't it be those times when the wall is too tall to clime alone that we depend on hope and prayers for a little extra lift? We depend on those little things to lift us up when we have all the strength we need to make it over the wall, but those times when we need someone or something to help us see what is on the other side of the roadblock we are facing, we don't ask.
Sometimes all it takes is a little hope, a little prayer, and a little lift to make it over the biggest obstacles.