For one split second, I was sitting there, wishing it would happen. I really did. I was wishing that he would walk in the room one more time so I could see him again. So every now and then I glanced over at the door, hoping that by some strange miracle he would appear. In all honesty, that continuously empty doorway was a blessing.
Who knows what I would have done if I really did see him. But I didn't think about that. I didn't think about what would have happened if he walked in the door while I was there. I knew he was on campus. Hell, he lives there. I know I will see him around. After all, we're going to the same college and we are in 2 choirs together. So I'm not really sure why we haven't run in to each other yet. All I know is that I don't know whether or not it's a blessing.
I was talking to one girl on campus yesterday. She has been in choir with him and even lived in the same building as him on campus. When I told her my name, she asked if I knew him. I said I did, and she admitted he had told her to say "hi" when I got on campus, though I'm not really sure why. He had even gone so far as to show her a picture of me, so that she could be sure to find me on campus. I'm not really sure how to feel about that.
I wanted him to walk in the door, I really, really did. And sometimes, I wonder how much of my college choice was based on the fact that he goes there. I don't even know why. We haven't even talked in a little over a year. But every time someone says his name, I get butterflies in my stomach. Every time I try to write a love song, his face ends up coming to my mind, no matter who I'm really thinking about.
Lately, I've been thinking about Mr. Good Guy. The one who makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time. The one who I'm so comfortable around. But the one who is quickly bumped out of my mind by the other guy. My heart really belongs to Mr. Good Guy over there. It really does. I can't get enough of being around him, but when he's gone, I'm okay with that. Sure, he comes to my mind a lot. I don't think a day goes by where I don't think of him in some way. But the other guy never leaves my mind. Every thought I have eventually roots back to him, as if I'm subconsciously living my life with him in mind. It's a feeling of love. It's not missing him or just thinking about him. It's that absolute feeling of love. I can't describe why. I guess love isn't meant to just be good on paper. But it works with us. We spend over half our time fighting, but the other half is so beautiful and magical and I could care less about all those quirky little moments. I can't believe it, but after letting him go to live his own life for a while, it's finally coming back to that point where my mind instantly goes to him. I love him even more than I did when I let him go.
In 68 days, we will be together all the time. Every day of the week while traveling and singing together. Let's see how it plays out.
"Someday When I Stop Loving You"
One foot on the bus about half past nine
I knew that you were leaving this time
I thought about laying down in its path
Thinking that you might get off for that
I remember that night we laid in bed
Naming all our kids that we hadn't had yet
One for your grandma and one for mine
Said we'd draw straws when it came time
[Chorus:]
I'll move on baby just like you
When the desert floods and the grass turns blue
When a sailing ship don't need a moon
It'll break my heart but I'll get through
Someday when I stop loving you
I bet all I had on a thing called love
I guess in the end it wasn't enough
And it's hard to watch you leave right now
I'm gonna have to learn to let you go somehow
Somehow
