It's been a while since he was the focus of my thoughts. I don't think a day has gone by where I haven't thought of him. I know he was in my mind when I went to prom or dated or had my heart broken.
I've been talking a lot about love. To the point where I'm even tired of the subject. But I think there's a reason. Allowing myself to finally evaluate my love life has given me an opportunity to see the kind of love I want and need in my life and what love even really is. And every single time I wrote love on paper, his face came to my mind. Slowly, as I wrote, my emotions would stray farther and farther from the person I was talking about and more towards him. Every love song, every line, his face came to my mind.
I write songs, and obviously every now and then someone inspires a song, whether it be by something they said or just them alone, I find myself flooding a page with words and melodies, making sense of all my emotions enough to have a coherent work. I've only dated once since I first left him.
I've started to fall for other guys, as well. I've met some amazing guys who I really thought I could make last in my life. I blamed myself not going for it on that one relationship I had last year. Where I said my heart was torn out and stomped to pieces. But thinking about it, I wonder if my heart was ever really in it. If my heart was every really a part of anyone I liked. I've begun to think, "how much of me not letting myself go for those other guys and let myself get swept away was because I still have feelings for him? because he already swept me away?"
I've seen duets on T.V. of love songs and every time I pictured singing them with just him. Lately, the more I try to escape thoughts of him, the more life brings him back up. Little signs; my family suddenly talking about him, my sudden mistake of his name in place of another, and even the fact that my admission counselor has recommended me talking to him out of no where about being a music major. He's consuming my life again out of no where...
The same feelings I had before, years ago, are flooding my heart and my mind. "If you love someone, set them free. If they return, it was meant to be. If they don't, they were never yours to begin with." Suddenly, he's returning in more ways that one. I left him a couple years ago because it seemed like our lives were going in very opposite directions. And now, they're slowly merging back together and I'm not sure what to do. I thought of him every day, but after a while not like this. Not this strong. But, I think my feelings are getting stronger than they ever were.
53. 53 songs all about him. I counted today. No wonder love has been so hard to find. I had already found it years ago. I knew I had. When I let it go, I thought I could find love again. I'm starting to think I was wrong. I'm starting to think I was wrong because I'm realizing I have it. I never had a reason to look....
"Misty morning comes again and I can't help but wish I could see your face. I knew from the first note played I'd be breaking all my rules to see you. You smile that beautiful smile and all the girls in the front row scream your name. But dim that spotlight and tell me things like 'I can't take my eyes off of you.'"
