Lately my blogs have had to do a lot with love. That's very strange for me.
Today in study hall (referred to as "story hall") I have a brief, but very eye-opening, discussion about my warped views on love. How I didn't believe that a girl like me was capable of finding, and keeping, love. I am extremely insecure for a confident person.
You may be thinking "whaaat? Has she lost her mind? That makes no sense!" Here me out on this. Many of my friends, and even people I've met through different things, have commented on my confidence. I know I am talented, because no matter what anyone tells me, I feel it. I feel like my talents were given to me for a reason and I have to really work with them and get the full advantage.
I walk in to rooms confidently. I'm not shy by any means, in case you couldn't tell. In fact, if there is a new kid in my school, I will know their name and they will know mine by the middle of the day. I enjoy being outgoing because I am not afraid to be.
But this confidence hits the breaks when it comes to the love department. For a senior in high school, I am very inexperienced on true love. I've never had a real boyfriend and I haven't even really been all out kissed passed a peck. (Sad, I know...). On top of that, I have a very low trust in guys. I'm always afraid of getting hurt again, and so when it comes to men I'm interested in, if there's a wall to be build, it's there and then some. I let my lack of confidence create a skewed view of men and myself. This right here has destroyed my love life to this point.
Another thing, and I know my friends get angry at me for harping on this so often when we get to the "love" subject, but I don't feel confident in how I look around men. Sure, I think my face is attractive, I love my hair and my eyes, and I think I dress semi-decent daily. But, when I'm around a guy I'm interested in, all I can focus on is how overweight I am, how my body is covered in freckles, and how short I am. I consider myself unattractive to the opposite sex, which makes me unattractive to the opposite sex.
Lately, I've been working on building myself up in many areas of my life. I've been finding new outlets for happiness, giving myself time to reach goals, talking to guys I've like in a "more than friends" way. But now I'm adding another step. I've been dressing in some of my better clothes, doing my hair and makeup as nice as I can for someone who wakes up at 5:30 every morning. And, I walking in to those situations confident, like I do when I walk on stage. I've noticed a huge change in how men perceive me. I was making myself unattractive by feeling unattractive. Now, I'm seeing myself as a beautiful, confident, vivacious woman, and I see others around me are perceiving me in the same way.
"Mirror, Mirror on the wall, have I got it? 'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am. I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect. So sorry you won't define me. Sorry you don't own me. Who are you to tell me that I'm less than what I should be? Who are you? Who are you? I don't need to listen to the list of things I should do. I won't try. I won't try... Mirror I am seeing a new reflection. I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me and to Him I have beauty beyond compare. I know He defines me" - Mirror by Barlow Girl
