This whole "give God the pen to my life" thing... yeah, harder than I thought it would be.
I've always had this mentality that my life would turn out alright. That somehow, even if I am not sure what I want, I would still get where I needed to be. But my life is being pulled in so many different directions, and I'm not sure which one is right for me yet.
I've found myself saying "if I could" a lot when I'm writing lately. "If I could just sit down and tell him what I'm thinking;" "If I could just figure out what this means." What do I really need to know so badly? Because these little moments are me taking the pen away from God; not trusting that He has this all figured out.
Even if I don't mean to, I find myself second guessing what God has been telling me. I pray to Him as though it's a one-sided conversation. I say "God, aren't you listening!? I don't know what to do! Won't you tell me?" And then I sit and figure it out on my own. I play through possibilities and outcomes from my own reasoning. I pray to God for answers, but I never give Him the chance to talk.
So, once again, here's the pen. I'm all ears on this one. I understand now that praying isn't always just for when I want to talk when it's convenient for me. Next time I pray, I won't say a word....
